Popular Ted Mosby Quotes
Marshall: Now the kid has got to get to work, and the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Ted and Lily: I will not have sex with Marshall
Ted [about the kid stuck in a crane machine]: Did they let him keep the purple giraffe?
Robin: Yea, they let him keep all the toys, he was in there a long time and little kids have small bladders
Robin: I don't know, Ted. I mean, we barely know each other and you're looking at me with that look, and it's like-
Ted: Like what?
Robin: Like, let's fall in love, and get married, and have kids, and drive them to soccer practice.
Ted: I'm not going to force sports onto them unless they're interested
Barney: This is so lame.
Ted: Lame . . . or casual?
Barney: Lame.
Ted: . . . or casual?
Ted: Barney, I am going to kill you.
Barney: Don't say you're gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool
Ted: If you want to go lick the Liberty Bell, just go lick it yourself.
Barney: No, it has to be the two of us.
Ted: Why? Why do you need me?
Barney: Because you're my best friend, all right? You don't have to tell me I'm yours. But the way I see it, we're a team. Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno
Barney: Ted, get in the cab. Marshall, you too.
Marshall: Uh I wish I could but I think me and Lily...
Barney: I understand. [to Ted] Come on!
Ted: Why can Marshall say no?
Barney: Uhh, because he's getting laid.
Marshall: Consistently
Wait, so when you said we were going to pick someone up at the airport you meant you were going to pick someone "up" at the airport?
Future Ted: I had no idea how Barney redirected the cab without me knowing but we got out, Dana let us in, and by God, we licked the Liberty Bell. And, you know what it tastes like?
[cut to MacLaren's]
Girl: What?
Ted: Freedom. No, actually, it tastes like pennies.
Girl: My God. Did you guys really do that?
Future Ted: We really did. And that was when I realized why I hung out with Barney. I never got where I thought I wanted to go, but I always got a great story
Ted: Don't say legendary. You're too liberal with the word legendary.
[Flashback...]
Barney: We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's going to be legendary! Snowsuit up
Ted: Why can't we go to McClaran's?
Barney: McClaran's is boring. Let's go to the strip clubs. We're gonna go out, we're gonna meet some ladies, it's gonna be legendary. phone five!
[Barney does a high five with his cellphone.]
Future Ted: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
Barney: You didn't Phone-five, did you? I know when you don't phone five Ted! [while motioning with his hand] McClaran's is this much fun. But what I'm offering is the chance to have THIS much fun!
Ted: [also using his hands] See, you always say that, you always say it's gonna be THIS much fun, but it always ends up being this much fun. This much fun is good. It's safe.
Barney: This whole hand signal thing doesn't really work over the phone, does it?
Ted: No, it doesn't
Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool, exhibit A. [points to his own suit] Lesson three, don't even think about getting married til you're thirty.
