Favorite Tom Haverford Quotes
It's OK, sweetheart. You can't make art because you are art. You're beautiful. But that sucks.
His real name is Dante Fiero, but he changed it to Dennis Feinstein 'cause that's way more exotic in Pawnee.
Tom: Do not miss tonight's April Ludgate birthday bash. 9 o'clock p.m. At the world famous Snakehole Lounge. The place the Pawnee Journal has called, "The sexiest, most dangerous club in town."
Leslie: That's not what they wrote.
Tom: Fine. I added the word sexiest. But, we've hired better security.
I can't make it to the telethon tonight because I have no interest in being there.
Brooks Brothers Boys, it's like the cuts are slimmer, and it's cheaper. Win win.
Tom: I think cave sex is insane.
Leslie: Why?
Tom: Because of the echoes and the humidity.
Wendy: How did Leslie meet her boyfriend?
Tom: She used to read him books at the senior center.
Beth: Wow. How old is he?
Tom: He's 6, but he has Benjamin Button disease.
Tom: I meet a girl at a bar. She seems kind of into me, could go either way. I get her number. It's two days later. What do I text her?
Zach: It was nice meeting you.
Tom: No, Zach. I don't text her it was nice meeting you. I wait eight weeks and I text her, "what's crackin'?"
There isn't a woman alive who doesn't love diamonds. Even the super left wing chicks who saw Blood Diamond and cried. When they get a diamond, they like, "yeah, bitch, get more of them blood diamonds. Make 'em extra bloody."
Joe: Sewage! Let's roll.
Tom: Damn! How does sewage always get the hottest interns?
The problem is I only have 15 penises, so, there would have been 28 girls who are really upset with me.
Ken Hotatay: During the battle, 93 year old Chief Oxcatay was shot 102 times by the calvary.
Tom: Did he die?
