Nadia: Wow, you are wearing a lot of moisturizer on your neck.
Tom: Best way to prevent crow's feet.
Nadia: Is this...glitter?

Tom: What brand is it?
Ann: It's called "Womb, There It Is!"

Woah, Dylan, slow down. That sweat suit is not for sweating. If you take that crushed velvet on more than a brisk walk,it'll fall apart.

Dating Mona Lisa is awesome. Except I live in constant fear of my life. So I need to do the mature thing and get someone to dump her.

I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.

Tom: Ron, ask me if I'm sad.
Ron: No.

One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what to do! I just moved!

Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent.
Ben: Umm Spasm. No, Butterface!

May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square?

I think Mona Lisa's stealing from me!

These kids are renting old clothes like they're going out of style! Which they never will.

Tom: I actually have my own charity to attend to: Tommy's Tummy Foundation.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Andy: There's an old saying in show business: The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!