Nadia: Wow, you are wearing a lot of moisturizer on your neck.
Tom: Best way to prevent crow's feet.
Nadia: Is this...glitter?

Tom: What brand is it?
Ann: It's called "Womb, There It Is!"

Woah, Dylan, slow down. That sweat suit is not for sweating. If you take that crushed velvet on more than a brisk walk,it'll fall apart.

Dating Mona Lisa is awesome. Except I live in constant fear of my life. So I need to do the mature thing and get someone to dump her.

I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.

Tom: Ron, ask me if I'm sad.
Ron: No.

One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what to do! I just moved!

Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent.
Ben: Umm Spasm. No, Butterface!

May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square?

I think Mona Lisa's stealing from me!

These kids are renting old clothes like they're going out of style! Which they never will.

Tom: I actually have my own charity to attend to: Tommy's Tummy Foundation.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Ron: Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, the best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there. June 2004: Porterhouse, medium rare, Bearnaise sauce. January 2000: They call this one, The Enforcer. February '96: The steak ribeye. The Whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to me? A bitch. Specifically, my ex-wife Tammy. OK, this is the first I ever went there. Look at me. Just a kid.

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April