For those of you who turned out to see my stand-up comedy debut at Zany's last night, I again apologize for what I said about Moroccans.

Just to put it out there, Tom Tucker is packin'. I drive a 2006 Infiniti, and I don't intend to lose it. So come and get some, punks.

If there's one thing the new drinking age has done, it's to let us know that women tell terrible stories.

Family Guy Quotes

Aunt Margarite [on her video will]: Lois, you were always my favorite niece; I just knew you would find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. But I was wrong.
Peter: And now you're dead. Score one for Peter

But now that you mention it, your face looks like a used condom.

Quagmire