Oh my god, Pierce is going to be the only person ever to drown in a parking lot... twice.
I hope I get multiple personalities. I get lonely in long showers.
Shirley: I've never been a captain before.
Pierce: I have I commanded a jet ski through an electrical storm and only had one casualty.
Troy: Jet skis only hold two people.
Pierce: Exactly, I saved half the crew.
Shirley: I was going to sign up for a class to make an online dating profile, but sailing in the parking lot sounds less pathetic.
Troy: A black person on a sailboat? I gotta see this. I'm in.
A switch is a stick she can use to whoop you with. Cherish, Britta. Cherish.
Abed: I hate when they finish each other's...
Troy: You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it.
Pierce: Calvin Coolidge?
Troy: Abed, what are you doing?
Abed: Being myself.
Troy: Go be yourself by Jenny.
Abed: I wouldn't go over there.
Pierce: How do you know that?
Abed: A lifetime of observation mostly.
Chang: We're going to get frozen yogurt.
Pierce [getting on Chang's scooter]: I'm not gay man, they close in seven minutes.
Troy: I could have driven you.
Chang: You said he hated froyo.
Pierce: Just drive!
Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle.
I am spending a lot of money on breakaway clothing.
Troy: The last thing I said to him was 'Suck it.
Britta: Me too.