You should always limit what you say during sex to moaning and helpful tips.

Ted: The thing is, I want to keep seeing Danielle. I really like her.
Veronica: What's not to like? She gullible and slept with you on the first date. If her mom's not fat, I say throw a ring on it.

Ted: We have a scientist problem.
Veronica: God. I can't wait until they invent their own replacements.

Ted: What's going on with you and this baby thing, anyway?
Veronica: My stupid sister popped out another one. And I held it, and it smelled really good. It was soft and squishy, and for the briefest second, I didn't want to give it back. Part of that was because I don't like my sister having things I don't have. But part of it was something else.

Ted: We can have one conversation with Rose. Gently.
Veronica: Fine. Let's get her up here, crack her open like a lobster claw, and scoop out her sweet white meat of information. Gently.
Ted: I know you don't like to eat children, but it's that kind of talk and your cottage in the woods made of candy that keeps those rumors alive.

Rose: Pretty sure it was Paul Spielman.
Veronica: Oh, my God. Not Paul Spielman.
Ted: You have no idea who Paul Spielman is.
Veronica: Not even a little.
Ted: He's one of our department's best engineers.
Veronica: And they're just gonna throw him out on the street with no consideration for how weak that's going to make me look.
Ted: Paul might not like it either, you know, 'cause he's got four kids.
Veronica: Fine, I'm insensitive. I can live with that.

Lem: Veronica.
Veronica: Ugh! There are employees everywhere. It's like I'm walking through spiderwebs.

Veronica: Children... so adorable. In a way, they're like people.
Ted: Yes, that's why there's a taboo about eating them.

Veronica: Jeffrey Bouchard.
Ted: Another engineer. There's a picture of you two on your office wall.
Veronica: People always want to have their pictures taken with me, Ted. I'm like a sunset.

Veronica: How could he do this? And after I let him use me like a sunset.
Ted: Well, you better take his picture down. Maybe put it in your drawer next to the one of you and Saddam Hussein riding that tandem bike.
Veronica: Yeah. That was before he got weird.

Ted: Hmm. Tased flesh smells bacon-y.
Veronica: Now I'm hungry.

All I have to do is look at Phil and he tells me everything. Even things I don't want to know, like his time-saving system for washing his legs.

Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things

Ted

Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie