If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?

Girl, I got an obligation...at a...sandwich...meeting.

There's nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh baked cookie and the sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.

Jess: You're too late. I'm in love. With Winston.
Winston: You know, it just got stuck up there so far, so quickly.

Winston: Nick could be your lawyer.
Schmidt: This Nick? Vivica A. Dropout?

Schmidt: I'm gonna have sex tonight. Are you two in?
Winston: Is that the way you wanted to say that?

You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!

Jess: I got laid off.
Winston: What!?
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Obama...

Winston: So nice to meet you, Mr. Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Can I sit on your shoulders?
Kareem: Sure!
Winston: Really?
Kareem: No!

Winston: There are parts of my butt that only a tub can clean.
Jess: Ew, but okay!

Or we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot the bear full of Hep C, we release that bear in the restaurant right as they're about to order dessert.

I'm staying positive, but I'm pretty sure this is where we die.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Jess: I have to go out tonight, 'cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.
Schmidt: Twirly? Is that like horny?
Jess: I've got the dirty twirlies, Schmitdy!"