My love child tracked me down. I was scared, shocked, angry. Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle.


This is the defining thing of my life. It's not gonna be that hit-and-run!


Once I'm in the building I can get in the cafeteria. And that means free ice.


I do have a hard time telling ages with black - shoes are the best kind of shoes.


Don't push it Liz, let it happen. There's gonna be a Mama Mia!


She texts her gay friends while I write 'til four in the morning eating dry fistfuls of Raisin Bean to stay awake, which, by the way, is how I'm able to ride the fart train to work every day.


The Greens are sharp as a tack right to the end. Which makes the end more terrifying. My father died screaming.

Professor Green

I'm sorry, did you just snort at our House majority leader?


When he saw these (reveals shoes) he asked me when my cult was committing suicide.

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