I swear to god you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.


Malory: Ron, take me to lunch,
Ron: It's 8:30 in the morning!
Malory: A bar then, whatever!

Do you like to travel? Because if you don't find that bag, I will empty the entire contents of your body and use your leathery skin as a replacement.

Maybe you can shut your dick holster.


Lana: I'm pregnant!
Cherlene: ...it said, baffling medical science.

Archer: What have I been doing?
Lana: Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.
Archer: Eww.
Lana: Just a figure of speech.
Archer: Still, eww.

[If I brought food] I wouldn't have room for beer, and since I can't catch beer....

Barry: Come on, it's your son's life.
Malory: And my money.

My tongue says sangria by my heart says michelada.

Do the right thing, Cyril. You have nothing to live for.

Clean the secretly gay for Lucas Troy out of your ears.


Lana: I think Conway is totally up to something.
Archer: Duh! You think I'm an idiot? I know he wants to marry mother and have her cut me out of the will. Which is why I'm going to kill him.

Archer Quotes

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?