Seriously, what is this, the Shire?


Archer: I have a plan that doesn't involve you stealing my toiletries.
Gillette: You're not using them.
Archer: Yes, I am
Gillette: Go look at your pores and then tell me you're using them

Ron: Who the hell is going to sneak in from Canada?
Archer: Arctic wolves?

Hello, is this air boats? Yeah, hi, it's me space bot.

Malory: I think I'll start shopping my memoirs! How does the title 'Secrets & Silk' grab you?

Sterling: my childhood's throat.

And by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn't I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?!


Archer: Why the hell are you crying?
Krieger: That was my van.

Pam: I was voted best milker!
Krieger: Me too!
Everyone: Eww.

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There's enough room in the world for science and miracles.

Conway Stern: Well, you're looking good, girl. A lot curvier than I remember.
Lana: Well, I had a baby
Conway Stern: Sorry. Never mind
Lana: Never mind what?
Conway Stern: Like name it?

Lana: Did you see me holding that baby?
Gillette: Look liked Tyson holding that dove.

Why was I dressed like Hitler?

Archer Quotes

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?