Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer

I'm Randy Magnum, local Emmy-winning cameraman and nationally ranked pro kite surfer.

Sterling

Oh please, Pam's as full of crap as she is of carbohydrates.

Malory

Cyril: Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.
Archer: Uh, hello. Herpes.
Cyril: You gave Lana herpes?!

Cheryl: It's Carol.
Archer: What? Since when?
Cheryl: Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.
Archer: Wow, that's... excuse us.

Cheryl: Beep beep beep.
Pam: Oh, your giving me the truck noise, Karen Carpenter stunt double?
Cheryl: I'm sorry, I thought you were walking backwards.

Hey com 'on, you know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I love you Santa Clause. [sniff] I do.

Com 'on twenty two black. Twenty two black. Twenty two... BLACK, ASS SON OF A BITCH! Uh..heh.. not you giant African man. I'm sorry, can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?

Malory: Agent Performance: unsatisfactory.
Archer: Aw, com 'on. At worst that was "needs improvement."

I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.

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