Archer: I forgot you won the Olympic gold medal in men's downhill.
Gillette: Well, ass, it was giant shalom and I only took bronze.
Archer: So? You lost?
Gillette: I came in third.
Archer: Which is last.
Gillette: Which is third...
Archer: Last.
Gillette: In he world.
Archer: You lost. Geeze, get over it.

Something something danger zone. I know. I'm not even trying anymore.

Bloody mary, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now in the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.

I'm sorry, Lana. I said a woman. Not a stevedore who lost his hand in a stevedoring accident and then got a hand transplant from an actual bear!

I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection.

Cyril: Why do we always have to share a room?
Ray: The sinister gay cabal, Cyril. You have fallen victim to the sinister gay cabal.

I swear to god you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.

Pam

Cherlene: Who the hell drilled my box?
Archer: So we're just done with phrasing, right, that's not a thing anymore?

Cheryl: Beep beep beep.
Pam: Oh, your giving me the truck noise, Karen Carpenter stunt double?
Cheryl: I'm sorry, I thought you were walking backwards.

Cheryl: It's Carol.
Archer: What? Since when?
Cheryl: Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.
Archer: Wow, that's... excuse us.

Oh please, Pam's as full of crap as she is of carbohydrates.

Malory

Cyril: Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.
Archer: Uh, hello. Herpes.
Cyril: You gave Lana herpes?!

Archer Quotes

Archer: I forgot you won the Olympic gold medal in men's downhill.
Gillette: Well, ass, it was giant shalom and I only took bronze.
Archer: So? You lost?
Gillette: I came in third.
Archer: Which is last.
Gillette: Which is third...
Archer: Last.
Gillette: In he world.
Archer: You lost. Geeze, get over it.

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.