Archer: Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker.
Cyril: You have a shoemaker?
Archer: Do you not?

Archer: I'm serious, just radio Lieutenant Colonel. He can straighten this whole thing out.
Military Commander: Lieutenant Colonel who?
Archer: This is embarrassing but I thought his last name was colonel.

Lana: We're the size of a bacteria.
Dr. Sklodowska: Bacterium.
Lana: Thanks, Jill Nye.

He died doing what he loved...getting shot.

Anka: Are you going to throw that in my face the rest of my life?
Archer: Yeah, all four minutes of it.

Think cool thoughts, like eating mint chocolate your refrigerated the morg

Lana: Did you see me holding that baby?
Gillette: Look liked Tyson holding that dove.

Archer: How many times do I have to apologize?
Cheryl: Just once would be nice.
Archer: Uh, no.

As you can see I have wine coolers on my feet because my toe nails are popping off like pogs.

Cyril: Ever since Lana and I broke up, I take solace in food.
Archer: Well keep your chins up, all eleven of them.

Oh my god, if I possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.


Wait, does Vermont have liquor stores? It has to. It sucks there.


Archer Quotes

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.