Favorite Better Off Ted Quotes
Lem: Together we're a thing of beauty, like a swan.
Phil: But on my own, I'll be like half a swan. All I'll do is make a big mess and die.
Lem: Ted knows everything we do.
Phil: He's like a god. Only it hurts more when he judges us
Ted: With the public's trust at stake, we all gave depositions. Veronica had done it before and so knew just what to say... or how little to say.
Female Lawyer: Were you involved in the development of this product?
Veronica: Yes.
Female Lawyer: And how would you summarize the company's reaction when they found out that the women who used this product were savagely attacked by insects?
Veronica: Ouch.
Female Lawyer: Will you elaborate on that, please?
Veronica: No.
Female Lawyer: Can you describe your job?
Veronica: Yes.
Female Lawyer: How would you describe your job?
Veronica: Cleverly
Ted: We work well together. Like Batman and...
Veronica: I'm Batman.
Ted: Well, it was my idea. I think...
Veronica: I'm Batman and Robin
Veronica: I know what it's like to see the ugly face of discrimination.
Lem: You do?
Veronica: Yes, I do. When I was 16, I was 5'9" and stunning. I mean, off-the charts gorgeous. At school, I was like a swan among the ugly ducklings. all the other girls hated me. And like our light sensors are doing to you, totally ignored me. If it wasn't for the modeling contracts and the comfort of college boys, I don't know if I would have made it.
Phil: Wow. I had no idea.
Veronica: No, how could you? You're still not 5'9"
My door is always open to you. Please, close it on the way out
Veronica
Veronica: I heard about Jenkins' death. The company feels terrible about it.
Ted: People are working too hard, Veronica. We need to slow down.
Veronica: Legal's position's is, we don't know if hard work killed Jenkins. Legal thinks he may have had high cholesterol. They're also floating the idea that his being dead may have been a pre-existing condition, and that he may not have been alive when we hired him. Apparently he was pretty quiet in his job interview.
Veronica: Well, you're always welcome here, daughter of Ted.
Ted: Rose.
Veronica: I know her name.
Ted: Rose's name.
Veronica: You know, sweetheart, sometimes your father...
Rose: Ted.
Veronica: I know everyone's name.
Ted: Hmm. Tased flesh smells bacon-y.
Veronica: Now I'm hungry.
Gentlemen, when you fight like that, manhood weeps.
Phil: Turns out the entire Myman family line is worthless. We have been hated throughout history. The English hunted Mymans for sport. The French used us as building materials. The Russians had an expression: "As useless as a stack of Mymans.
Ted: Well, what about this medieval sect of warriors. "The Screaming Mymans"--that sounds promising.
Phil: They weren't warriors. The Crusaders launched my ancestors over castle walls as ammunition.
Now get in there and run that meeting like a shark driving an assault vehicle through a herd of seals wearing chum pants.
Veronica
