A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness.

Hank Moody

It's true I am kind of retarded, but I'm also kind of amazing.


Movie Karen: Why does he love her so much? I mean what is it about her?
Hank: I don't know. I don't think I've ever known. I think sometimes you get it right the first time and then it defines your life. It becomes who you are.

Life is too short to dance with fat girls.

Hank Moody

To our beautiful family, our black President, and my magnificent dong.


Hank Moody get up off your ass and come with me. I'm going to play you the greatest song ever written in the history of the universe. After which we shall snort cocaine and have our ass-oles tongued by the angels.


I look like a fucking FBI agent.


You fucked me in the ass Hank! I swallowed your cum, but worst of all, I swallowed your fucking bullshit. And you can rationalize it all you want by saying you were always honest with me, but it's still stealing.


Revenge is a dish best served with my dick.


I won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.

Hank Moody

It's about a guy trying to keep it together while falling apart.


Carrie: It's just, you fucked me in the ass Hank.
Hank: Oh, are we talking metaphorically? Because...
Carrie: No, I gave up the butt for you!

Californication Quotes

Nobody likes you. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f--cking douche!

Hank Moody

She's the kind of girl a guy meets when he's too young and he fucks up because there's too much looting left to do.