Sometimes it's important to lie to children.

Hank

I think you might be more trouble than you look.

Faith

Masturbation is for the poor, the downtrodden, the silent unf-ckables.

Atticus

Becca: Do you guys mind if I crash here, do some writing? Maybe have a few people over?
Charlie: Whatever you need. I got alcohol, I got pornography, I got Pictionary.

Charlie: I never was the p-ssy eater you were.
Stu: You should have thought about it Charlie. Compensate for your sh-tty hang time and your serious lack of inches.
Charlie: Jesus! F-ck you Stu!
Stu: Sorry, just keeping it real.

Hank: Why are you living beyond your means?
Charlie: It's the only way I know how.

Hank: How'd it go buddy boy?
Charlie: I'm sitting in the dark in my underwear Hank, day drinkin'.
Hank: Got it.

Ken: How was the party last night?
Charlie: Ah well, guys in black leather, the smell of moist ass hair. What's not to like?

I still think you are mean, petty and vindictive, but I'm thinking maybe we should hate f-ck? Get the poison out?

Hank

I am the sh-t when it comes to making p-ssies pretty.

Marcy

Why you wanna rain on my gay parade?

Charlie

Why would I put some clothes on? This is the way baby Jesus made me.

Hank

Californication Quotes

I feel like the good lord himself picked me up with his bare hands, laid me down on a bed of rusty nails, pinned my ankles behind my ears and just stuck it in. No Vaseline no lube no nothin. Not even a little spittle. That mother fu-ker just took his Darth Vader helmet, that big Darth Vader helmet and just rammed it home. He wrecked my pretty little virgin a--hole, my sweet little brown bud. Pulled out, came on my t-ts, wiped his di-k on the curtains and left me for dead. That's just me. How bout you guys?

Hank

Welcome to the place where time stands still, where whiskey flows and always will. Your liver never pickles your heart never aches. You can fuck till your dick is cunt-ent.

Lou