Sometimes it's important to lie to children.


I think you might be more trouble than you look.


Masturbation is for the poor, the downtrodden, the silent unf-ckables.


Becca: Do you guys mind if I crash here, do some writing? Maybe have a few people over?
Charlie: Whatever you need. I got alcohol, I got pornography, I got Pictionary.

Charlie: I never was the p-ssy eater you were.
Stu: You should have thought about it Charlie. Compensate for your sh-tty hang time and your serious lack of inches.
Charlie: Jesus! F-ck you Stu!
Stu: Sorry, just keeping it real.

Hank: Why are you living beyond your means?
Charlie: It's the only way I know how.

Hank: How'd it go buddy boy?
Charlie: I'm sitting in the dark in my underwear Hank, day drinkin'.
Hank: Got it.

Ken: How was the party last night?
Charlie: Ah well, guys in black leather, the smell of moist ass hair. What's not to like?

I still think you are mean, petty and vindictive, but I'm thinking maybe we should hate f-ck? Get the poison out?


I am the sh-t when it comes to making p-ssies pretty.


Why you wanna rain on my gay parade?


Why would I put some clothes on? This is the way baby Jesus made me.


Californication Quotes

Nobody likes you. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f--cking douche!

Hank Moody

She's the kind of girl a guy meets when he's too young and he fucks up because there's too much looting left to do.