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Californication

The person that I want to have everything to do with, wants nothing to do with me.

Hank

Yeah, so, Marilyn Manson is trying to get your daughter and I into a threesome right now.

Karen

Karen: You're making some questionable choices right now.
Becca: Says the queen of questionable choices.

Sometimes it's important to lie to children.

Hank

I think you might be more trouble than you look.

Faith

Masturbation is for the poor, the downtrodden, the silent unf-ckables.

Atticus

Becca: Do you guys mind if I crash here, do some writing? Maybe have a few people over?
Charlie: Whatever you need. I got alcohol, I got pornography, I got Pictionary.

Charlie: I never was the p-ssy eater you were.
Stu: You should have thought about it Charlie. Compensate for your sh-tty hang time and your serious lack of inches.
Charlie: Jesus! F-ck you Stu!
Stu: Sorry, just keeping it real.

Hank: Why are you living beyond your means?
Charlie: It's the only way I know how.

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