You know what a lesbian brings on a second date? A U-Haul.


Whether I give you a gift or you give me a gift, it costs me money.

Larry (to Ricky)

Susie: Ya know Larry, I think you're taking the wrong tactic with these women. I really do. I think you have to present who you reall are.
Larry: I did present who I really was; a phony, a fraud, a prevaricator. I presented who I was.

You fixed it all so you could be at the cool table. You got Ricky Gervais, you got Allie, you got your Broadway stars.


I don't even know how to write cursive anymore.


Hank: I got picked on a lot by some kids.
Larry: By Spaniards?
Hank: Yeah, well they spoke Spanish.
Larry: Oh they're not from Spain?
Hank: I don't know where they were from.

When I first saw you, I guessed you for a Spaniard. I'm glad you're not Spanish. I'm not a fan of the Spanish.

Hank (to Larry)

Don't impose your desires on my whole cuisine.


Everybody brings wine. I bring bread.


Waiter: I am the waiter.
Larry: Yet we were the ones waiting, so we became the waiters.
Jeff: This man's a hero. He just revolutionized the way restaurants work my friend. No one's gonna go hungry again.

Poor little coachy girl. She's so jealous 'cause everybody else is more comfortable than the coachy girl.


Hey Susie, guess what? Larry ate Oscar's Pinkberry, and Jeff was driving...ass hole!


Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

Larry: Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

Cheryl: Well, I think you should write a letter of apology to him.
Larry: "Dear prick, why are you such a prick?"