Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes (Page 7)

Season 1 Episode 9: "Suspicious Minds"

Bree: Hi Danielle. How was school?
Danielle: It was ok.
Bree: Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Well, that's because you just don't love him as much as I do!
Rex: Well, isn't that nice.
Bree: It's just a fact. I'm his mother. He lived inside of me.
Rex: He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80s. Since then, I have grown to love him just as much as you!
 • Rating: Unrated

Gabrielle: Edie, what did you do to that dress?
Edie: Well, I made it audience friendly. Can you tell I'm not wearing any underwear?
Gabrielle: Yes!
Edie: Good
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Well I know that good help is hard to find but stealing a family's nanny is so unseemly!
Lynette: I'm not twisting anyone's arm. If I make a better offer, than why shouldn't a qualified person weave the benefits. So come on. Where can I score some high-grade nanny?
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: News of the fashion show spread quickly on Wisteria Lane. Though the event was for charity, Gabrielle soon discovered that when it came to the latest fashions, women are seldom charitable. No one knew this better than Edie Britt. She understood that treachery never goes out of style
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: It's just not right.
Rex: What?
Bree: A woman is in a coma, because of Andrew. And there he is, happy as a clam!
Rex: Well, we grounded him, we took away the TV in his room. How many more ways do you want to punish him
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea. Her first great idea came when she was fifteen, after her stepfather paid her a late night visit. She bought a bus ticket to New York the very next day. Her next occurred five years later when she decided to seduce a famous fashion photographer. One week later, she began her career as a runway model. Which soon led her to her next great idea. Her decision to marry Carlos Solis. Before she knew it, she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs. Her most recent great idea was born out of her boredom with her new life. That's how she came to start an affair with her teenage gardener, which was cut short by the tragic accident, so once again, Gabrielle was in need of a great idea.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 8: "Guilty"

Nurse: Mrs. Solis, it's time for her sponge bath.
Gabrielle: Come again?
Nurse: Sometimes family members prefer to administer sponge baths themselves.
Gabrielle: I think I'll pass
 • Rating: Unrated

Martha: What are you doing?
Edie: I am taking back the $40 that you stole out of my purse.
Martha: Edie!
Edie: We both know you did it, now hand it over!
Martha: I have taken nothing from your purse, and if you're missing money, I'd ask one of those strange men you parade through here at all hours.
Edie: I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!
Martha: Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched
 • Rating: Unrated

Martha: My idiot husband died and left me with a worthless pension. I was desperate for money. And it's better to take it from a bad person than a good one. How was I supposed to know she'd shoot herself?"
Paul: She was a good person.
Martha: A good person who leaves her child motherless? Read The Bible, Paul. Suicide's a big no-no
 • Rating: Unrated

Edie: I want my money.
Martha: And I want those non-fat peach yogurts. They didn't just walk out of that fridge by themselves.
Edie: Well you can deduct it from the $40 that you're going to give me, now!
Martha: You're my best friend. Why would I steal from you?
Edie: It's no secret that you've been having financial problems. I hear you bitching on the phone to your bank.
Martha: That's it! I can put up with your debauchery and your food theft, but I will not tolerate spying. I want you out.
Edie: You don't mean that.
Martha: Oh, yes I do. I'm leaving tomorrow to visit my sister for a few days. I want you gone by the time I get back.
Edie: I'll do one better. I will leave today
 • Rating: Unrated

Susan: Well, so, in your mind, is the date off?
Mike: Well, you snooped around my house and went through my stuff. Uh, yeah, in my book that's pretty much a deal breaker.
Susan: Hold on a minute, now. I started snooping around because I found all that money by accident. And, and then, I found a gun. Are you a drug dealer or something?
Mike: Is that what you think?
Susan: Well, I wouldn't know because you never let me in. You know, there's this whole part of your life that you keep completely walled off.
Mike: I have a gun for protection, I keep cash for emergencies. I'm a good guy, Susan, and you should know that. I'm, I'm not obligated to share every little detail of my life with you.
Susan: Well, every little detail is one thing. You know, weird creepy secrets, that's another.
Mike: You know what, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me.
Susan: Well, maybe we shouldn't be dating.
Mike: Maybe we shouldn't.
Susan: Do you mean that?
Mike: Yeah.
Susan: Well, I hope that your, you know, little secret keeps you warm at night because you're throwing something really great away to protect it!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mary Alice: There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone feels guilt over the bad things they do. But Bree Van De Kamp did. In fact, Bree had spent most of her life feeling guilty. As a child, she felt guilty about not getting straight A's. As a teenager she felt guilty about letting her boyfriend go to second base. As a newly-wed, she felt guilty about taking three weeks to get out her thank you cards. But she knew the transgressions of her past were nothing compared with the sin she was about to commit
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Julie: Mom, if you've really need something to freak out about, just remember you're going to spend the night with Mike at a hotel. No man has seen you naked in years, except your doctor.
Susan: Yeah, he retired. I try not take that personally
 • Rating: Unrated

Father Crowley: Gabrielle, the Church is pretty clear about this. If you commit a mortal sin and you die without repenting, you go to hell.
Gabrielle: Aren't you just a ball of fun? So, if I confess, it will clean the slate, right?
Father Crowley: Not only that, if you want God's forgiveness, you have to be truly sorry and you have to promise not to commit the sin again.
Gabrielle: So what happens if I repent later? Like, say, when I'm 75?
Father Crowley: I wouldn't recommend waiting. What if you die before then?
Gabrielle: Well, let's say I don't die? I do yoga, I eat well. If I wait, does my repenting still count?
Father Crowley: If you mean it, yes.
Gabrielle: Thank you, Father Crowley. You have been a tremendous comfort. Um, I will let you do your thing.
Father Crowley: Gabrielle. You know we are all responsible for the choices we make. Don't you wanna be a good person?
Gabrielle: What I want is to be happy.
Father Crowley: That's the answer of a selfish child.
Gabrielle: I know
 • Rating: Unrated

Gabrielle: Before we got married we made a deal. No kids.
Carlos: Deals are meant to be re-negotiated.
Gabrielle: Well, we're not negotiating my uterus
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 7: "Anything You Can Do"

John: You're so jealous of Danielle you try to ship her off to New York?
Gabrielle: I'm not jealous, I just don't like to share
 • Rating: Unrated

Gabrielle: I have a problem with you seeing other girls.
John: Well, I have a problem with you having a husband. I guess we'll both have to learn to deal
 • Rating: Unrated

Gabrielle: Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you?
Danielle: Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me?
Gabrielle: I sure would.
Danielle: I would so love to go to New York.
Gabrielle: Oh, and I would so love to help you get there
 • Rating: Unrated

Edie: For the record, I was rooting for you to land him.
Susan: And why would you root for me?
Edie: Well, I figured it would be easier for me to steal Mike from you than her - she seems like fun!
 • Rating: Unrated

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