Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes (Page 8)

Season 1 Episode 7: "Anything You Can Do"

Edie: Hey, how was your big date?
Susan: Mike had to reschedule.
Edie: Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh how devastating for you
 • Rating: Unrated

Julie: Mom, you're getting too dressed up.
Susan: I know, but I wanna look really sexy.
Julie: I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven.
Susan: Hmm. How about midnight?
Julie: All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?
Susan: Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation.
Julie: We are because I enjoy being an only child.
Susan: Are you finished?
Julie: Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again.
Susan: Okay, you can leave now
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: Competition. It means different things to different people. In Suburbia, it means keeping up with the Jones's. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van de Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood. And no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Huber, whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed...or how lovingly she watered...or how generously she fertilized...the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence
 • Rating: Unrated

Woman: So, what did everybody think?
Lynette: I thought the character of Madame Bovary was ... very inspirational.
Woman: Inspirational? She poisons herself with arsenic.
Lynette: Really?
Woman: You didn't read until the end?
Lynette: I stopped after page 50.
Woman: Am I the only one who read the book?
Susan: I saw the movie. It was really good.
Woman: Ladies! I'm sorry, but wh-wh-what is the point of having a book club if we don't read the book?
 • Rating: Unrated

Detective: The stationary is particle 17, 100% cotton. It is made by Cyprus Office Products. In stores in twelve cities, including yours. We traced that postmark back to your local post office.
Paul: Meaning?
Detective: Meaning that the blackmailer is probably someone you know. A neighbor, milkman, pool boy, soccer mom...
Paul: Soccer mom?
Detective: Mr. Young, sometimes evil drives a mini van. I had this gig once, tracking down this PTA mom, was hell-bent on landing her daughter a spot on the parade float. Fed anti-freeze to half the homecoming committee.
Paul: Did you catch her?
Detective: Mr. Young, the people who hired me didn't hire me to catch her
 • Rating: Unrated

Mike: I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend.
Susan: Old friend?
Mike: Yeah, you know...
Susan: Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning?
Mike: It's hard to explain.
Susan: Could you give it a shot?
 • Rating: Unrated

Paul: Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do.
Edie: Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house.
Paul: I am?
Edie: Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame them. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.
Paul: Is there any way to get around it?
Edie: Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 6: "Running to Stand Still"

Julie: How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?
Susan: I dunno, pretend you're bulimic, gag a little
 • Rating: Unrated

Susan: How'd you get the fat lip?
Paul: The usual way; asking too many questions
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: Juanita may have been the gambler in the family, but Gabrielle was the one who knew how to bluff
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex.
Dr. Goldfine: All right.
Bree: I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm ... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I'm just not a fan
 • Rating: Unrated

Lynette: Seriously, you're taking your kids' medication?
Jordana: Once in a while. Do you want a couple?
Lynette: Oh, that's very kind of you, but I just smoked some crack a little while ago, so I better not mix.
 • Rating: Unrated

Gabrielle: Yeah, I've seen who you've been busy with.
John: Danielle? Come on, I mean, she's just a friend.
Gabrielle: Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do things to you she can't even pronounce
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: Suburbia is a battleground, an arena for all forms of domestic combat. Husbands clash with wives, parents cross swords with children, but the bloodiest battles often involve women and their mothers-in-law. The war for control of Carlos began the night he proposed, and Gabrielle had been losing ground to Juanita ever since. From the prenuptial agreement which she reluctantly signed, to the selection of wedding music she despised, the color of the house paint she hadn't wanted ... Gabrielle had suffered one defeat after another
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Sicher: Severe depression. Borderline personality disorder. Zach is a deeply troubled young man.
Paul: I'm aware of that. What are you giving him?
Dr. Sicher: Some antidepressants and a mood stabilizer.
Paul: Good.
Dr. Sicher: I'm also recommending extensive psychotherapy, to help unearth any repressed -
Paul: I don't think so.
Dr. Sicher: Mr. Young, I can't just medicate him indefinitely.
Paul: Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs. No new treatments without my permission
 • Rating: Unrated

Carlos: Hmmmm... that's nice.
Gabrielle: You like that?
Carlos: Oh, yeah.
Gabrielle: God, I'm gonna miss this, Carlos.
Carlos: What do you mean?
Gabrielle: Well, since, I'm gonna have to be doing the cooking, and the cleaning, and all the shopping, like the other wives...
Carlos: Hmmm, hmmm.
Gabrielle: I'm going to be exhausted at night, just like all the other wives, til I build up my stamina, of course, but that might take a couple of years
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 5: "Come In, Stranger"

Mary Alice Young: People by their very nature are always on the lookout for intruders. Trying to prevent those on the outside from getting in. But there will always be those who force their way into our lives, just as there will be those we invite in...but the most troubling of all, will be the ones who stand on the outside looking in. The ones we never truly get to know
 • Rating: Unrated

Mike: Okay, I know you're mad at me and I'm sorry I didn't stop you from going out with that guy.
Susan: I'm not mad at you. I mean I'm not just mad at you. I'm mostly mad at myself.
Mike: Okay.
Susan: I'm mad because I like you so much without really knowing anything about you.
Mike: Oh. What do you want to know?
Susan: What's your favorite food?
Mike: Mexican.
Susan: What's your favorite sport?
Mike: Football.
Susan: Favorite band?
Mike: Elvis Costello.
Susan: That's a guy not a band.
Mike: It's a guy with a band.
Susan: What do you think of me?
[Mike leans in and kisses her]
Susan: I'm sorry, could you repeat that?
 • Rating: Unrated

Lynette: You can tell them how beautifully behaved the twins are.
Bree: So you want me to lie?
Lynette: I thought that was understood
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: He could've been a sexual predator.
Rex: And he ended up at Mrs. Fromme's? That's a lose-lose situation.
Bree: Rex. That's not the point. The point is, I don't feel safe. And I was wondering if you could spend the night.
Rex: You're in the NRA. You own like, four guns. If someone broke in, I'd expect you to protect me
 • Rating: Unrated

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