Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
40,000 other titles are available to watch now.

Take it up with my butt, he's the only one that gives a crap.

Peter

If you want to be in black and white, black and white's gotta be in you.

Penguin

Stewie: It's healthier than what they ate in the fifties...
Customer: Steak and doughnut sandwich please.
Waiter: You want cigarettes on that sandwich?
Customer: What do I look like a Mary? Of course I want cigarettes.

Yeah that's right. You buy your kid ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then ask what happened. Yep, your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that one to your god.

Stewie

Lois: That's a great idea, maybe you can join PETA.
Peter: Join me for what?
Lois: No, PETA, the organization.
Peter: What organization?
Lois: PETA.
Peter: what?
Lois: PETA is an acronym, Peter.
Peter: No I'm not, I'm Catholic.
Stewie: Are we really doing this?

I'm guessing this one owned a bunny, but not anymore.

Stewie

Pink Panther: Hey first day being pink?
Brian: Yeah.
Pink Panther: Welcome to hell.

Brian: Having sex with Quagmire is inevitable, like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave.
Waiter: Would anyone like dessert?
Man: I couldn't eat another thing.
Woman: I gotta get home for the sitter.
Fat Man: I'll have the souffle.
Waiter: That takes 45 minutes.
Fat Man: That's okay.

Stewie: It's True Blood.
Brian: No one knows what that is.
Stewie: Rich, gay people do.

I really hope there's a hungry horse back there.

Peter

Peter [while riding an elephant]: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change

When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and poop out half digested mice.

Stewie
Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 1961 in total
Simply put, it doesn't get any funnier than Family Guy quotes. And, also simply out, it doesn't get any more all-encompassing than our section of Family Guy quotes. We update it on a weekly basis and we organize it by season and by episode. So sit back now and try not to laugh riotously over these Family Guy quotes.

Family Guy Quotes

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley