Take it up with my butt, he's the only one that gives a crap.

Peter

If you want to be in black and white, black and white's gotta be in you.

Penguin

Stewie: It's healthier than what they ate in the fifties...
Customer: Steak and doughnut sandwich please.
Waiter: You want cigarettes on that sandwich?
Customer: What do I look like a Mary? Of course I want cigarettes.

Yeah that's right. You buy your kid ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then ask what happened. Yep, your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that one to your god.

Stewie

Lois: That's a great idea, maybe you can join PETA.
Peter: Join me for what?
Lois: No, PETA, the organization.
Peter: What organization?
Lois: PETA.
Peter: what?
Lois: PETA is an acronym, Peter.
Peter: No I'm not, I'm Catholic.
Stewie: Are we really doing this?

I'm guessing this one owned a bunny, but not anymore.

Stewie

Pink Panther: Hey first day being pink?
Brian: Yeah.
Pink Panther: Welcome to hell.

Brian: Having sex with Quagmire is inevitable, like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave.
Waiter: Would anyone like dessert?
Man: I couldn't eat another thing.
Woman: I gotta get home for the sitter.
Fat Man: I'll have the souffle.
Waiter: That takes 45 minutes.
Fat Man: That's okay.

Stewie: Brian, this is painful. It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American.
(scene cuts to coffee shop)
Guy #1: Oh man, what a good bunch of partying at that disco-tech. They played one of my audience requests.
Guy #2: Way awesome! I myself drank like five liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital man.
Guy #1: Oh you said it friend, but I wanted to stay, because I almost had sex on this girl.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, but it was so expensive. Each drink was like six dollars forty!

Stewie: It's True Blood.
Brian: No one knows what that is.
Stewie: Rich, gay people do.

Peter [while riding an elephant]: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change

When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and poop out half digested mice.

Stewie

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Announcer: We now return to Morgan Freeman starring in "The Narrator."
Morgan Freeman: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talkin or you get busy dyin'. The work is really quite easy. Why even right now I'm just sitting in a chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered in something that resembles egg crates except they're soft and spongy, like a twinkie...like a twinkie.