Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'. Giggety, giggety, gig-get-ty

Doctor: Well Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph: Is it pixie dust or leprechaun tails?
Doctor: No, it's a tumor.
Rudolph: You mean like a magical Christmas tumor?
Doctor: No, a malignant tumor, the base which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolph: Oh...Like a happy, special...
Doctor: You're going to die

Lois: Oh, Peter! Isn't she beautiful?
Peter: Yeah, but I think she's with that guy, they've been holding hands all night.
Lois: Peter! I mean Meg!
Peter: Oh, yeah, she's hot

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Chris: Dad, I know what to do. I saw it on Fox's When Bears Attack. Chris [to the bear]: Go away! Go on! Get! Stay tuned for an all-new Ally McBeal

Peter: I'm trying to make love to you and all you can think about is Chris.
Lois: What?
Peter: Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang!
Lois: What do you mean?
Peter: Well, he certainly didn't get it from me?
Lois: Peter, what are you talking about?
Peter: I'll show you.
[Peter and Lois go to Chris' room while he is sleeping and Peter pulls back the covers]
Lois: Wow. No wonder he's always slouching

Lois: Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor sharp talons to rip your [over timer bleeps her out] eyes out. Cookies are done! Who wants chocolate chip?
Stewie: Oh! Oh! I do. But keep talking. All this talk about eye gouging has gotten me all frisky. Seriously, I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper

Lois: I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake.
Meg: What's Whitesnake?
Lois: That's the music mommies and daddies listen to

Face it, Peter. Sooner or later your gonna have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch in the arm. And then another. And then everything got a little hazy. He had to live with a foster family for a while

Joe
Displaying all 9 quotes

Family Guy Season 3 Episode 5 Quotes

Lois: I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake.
Meg: What's Whitesnake?
Lois: That's the music mommies and daddies listen to

Face it, Peter. Sooner or later your gonna have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch in the arm. And then another. And then everything got a little hazy. He had to live with a foster family for a while

Joe