Brian: The thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me, and I'm kind of losing control of the situation.Lois: Oh she's just grateful you took her to the dance.Brain: Well, uhhh, I..I think its more than here's the thing..and don't get mad and that part I can't stress enough, that's a great shirt by the way...ummm I may have made out with Meg..(Lois pauses then punches Brian)Brian: (rubbing his nose) Ok I had that coming.Lois: (furious) What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard!Brian: (getting to his feet) Look I was drinking..Lois: (sarcastically) Ohhh, what a shock!Brian: (sarcastic laugh) Look the short version is, this morning she made me eat the hair in her pie..(Lois punches Brian again)Brian: (getting up from the ground) No its not what you think, Stewie had some too..(Lois punches Brian again)Brian: (annoyed) Stop punching me!

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Family Guy Season 5 Episode 8 Quotes

Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Now hang on... hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
(Connie cries and runs)

Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
(Stewie spits out pie)