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Family-guy

Lois: And lately, this family has been lacking moral fiber, especially you Meg. (Cuts to scene where Meg and Stewie are in living room.)
Lois: Meg! What happened to you?
Stewie: (Sad tone) She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kinda lays there. It's really sad. (Happy tone) And a tiny bit funny. Oh my God, I think I'm getting a contact high! (sags like Meg.) Uh, now I'm messed up too.

Lois: Well, I got good news. I'm going to be the Church's new organist. (Both Brian and Meg talk simultaneously.)
Brian: Hey, hey, congrats.
Meg: Wow mom, that's great.
Chris: That means you'll play the organ.

(reading a sign on Church door that says "Organist Wanted.") Huh-huh, all right! (Runs inside Church, unzips pants, gets slapped) Ahh. (comes back outside) Why do you say organist if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore.

Quagmire

Brian: Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us. These Texans are socially backward and politically they're all stubborn as a mule.
(Cutaway)
A Mule: No sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose.
Guy: What!?, of course he was.
A Mule: No he wasn't, you lose.
Guy: Of course he was, he was the star.
A Mule: Nope, you're wrong. Look it up.
Guy: I don't have to look it up, it's common knowledge
A Mule: Nope..
Guy: he was on the cover
A Mule: Nope
Guy: of People Magazine
A Mule: Nope..
Guy: when the movie
A Mule: No
Guy: Everyone knows...
A Mule: No
Guy: that.
A Mule: No!..
Guy: Kevin Bacon..
A Mule: NO!
Guy: was the star
A Mule: NO!
Guy: in Footloose..
A Mule: NO!
Guy: It was a huge movie,
A Mule: NO!
Guy: he was the lead.
A Mule: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! HeeHaw! HeeHaw! HeeHaw!

Jillian: Wait, wait, I have another question, how do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian: There you go sport!
Jillian: Thank you!

(Peter enters the bedroom on his horse)
Peter: Ugh, it's been a long day Lois, a long day.
(Peter gets into bed, with the horse)
Lois: Peter what the hell, you can't bring that horse into our bed!
Peter: Lois, I can not believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He's a graceful, majestic creature, who is a part of this family and only wants you to love and respect--The horse may have pooped in the bed.

Peter: You know they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard... there is only another fist.
Brian: That's ridiculous. (Chuck Norris taps him on the back.) Chuck Norris? (A fist comes out of Chuck Norris' beard and punches Brian in the face.)

Meg: Wow, look at this! I can't believe that Mrs. Bush kept all of these Planned Parenthood receipts.
Chris: Holy Cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle!

Peter: Hey Lois, you say something?
Lois: Oh, just that I think that you'll love this cake.
Stewie: None for me, thanks, it's gonna go straight to my vagina. (to Brian) That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

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