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Family-guy

Edward: I'm a vampire, and I'm in love with this unattractive girl.
Jacob: I'm a werewolf, and I am also in love with this unattractive girl.
Edward: Boy, she sure can act though, can't she?
Jacob: Nope.

You know Chris, all my life, I've wanted to see you locked in a basement. But now that it's happened, all I want to do is get you out!

Herbert

How do I know which one to shoot? How do I know which one's the real dad??

Chris

You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Google Search!

Peter

I'm pretty sure our washer machine is pregnant! I'm not even sure how that's scientifically possible!

Lois
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