Family Guy Season 5 Episode 18: "Meet The Quagmires" Quotes
Lois: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt! And I won't let Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot, or sentient robot, curious about it's own existence keep us apart!
Lois: Peter used to be so passionate, but now he doesn't seem to be interested in me.
Quagmire: Lois, if I may, Peter doesn't you. As a friend, I think you deserve to be with someone who knows how to be a gentleman.
Lois: Oh, Glen. You're so sweet. (They embrace) Something's poking me.
Quagmire: It's alright. It's just my wang.
It was nice meeting you, Miss Ringwald. I'll be back later for your career.Death
(Lois walks out of Quagmire's house to pick up a letter from the mailbox)
Peter: Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night and you sleep with Quagmire?!
Lois: Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business.
Quagmire: Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Baby, Let's go play "Schoolgirl & Guy Who Has Sex With Schoolgirl".
Peter: (inadvertently punches the giant chicken)
Some guy: Oh whoa big guy,(holding the giant chicken), you probably never even gonna see him again.
Radio: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address.
Peter: Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's president?
Brian: Peter, you're the one from the future, you should know - ah, forget it.
Hey Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert too, oh!
Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry Peter, I'm afraid she has her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius. Oh!
Chris, Meg, and Stewie: (all laugh) Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity.
(Peter is talking with Brian, about returning to the past to correct the present)
Peter: I don't care what it takes, Brian. I gotta get Lois back somehow.
Brian: Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies.
Peter: Ah, that's gonna be tough. With President Gore's Universal Health Care, people are living much longer these days.
Brian: And with Zero Tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world.
Peter: I don't care! We gotta find a way to summon Death, and quick!
(Jane Jetson falls out of the sky to the pavement, dead)
Peter: Well, that might do it.
Peter: Death, oh thank God you're here! Listen, you gotta send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois!
Death: Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Haliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.
Brian: Oh my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois!
Peter: I don't know who any of those people are.
Molly Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois: I know! Who would have thought Bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.
(Horace tries to fix T.V. but falls down, hits floor hard. He stops moving)
Bar patron: Oh my God! Is he dead? I think he might be dead!
Death: Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead. Step aside junior. (Walks to Horace and pokes him with his scythe) Nope, he's just knocked out. Damn! I drove all the way out here! I had to cancel another appointment! Never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace.
(Cuts to Mike Wallace using a type-writer. Death is sitting in a lounge-chair reading a newspaper behind him. Mike stops typing, and Death looks up from his paper. Mike resumes typing and Death goes back to reading his paper)
Peter: Let's just all be grateful things are completely back to normal again.
(Roger from American Dad walks on screen)
Roger: Who ate all the Pecan Sandies?