Family Guy

Family Guy "Meet The Quagmires" Quotes

Cleveland: Hey Quagmire, how was your date last night?
Quagmire: Cleveland, it was amazing. You know what I discovered last night? Women have a fourth hole.
Joe: What?
Quagmire: Yeah, I mean it's only visible if you're looking from exactly the right angle, like the entrance to Hogwarts. But ya gotta believe that it's there.
Peter: Man, I envy you single guys. No families, partying whenever you want. These are the only people I get to party with. (holds out his wallet, with a picture of the kids)
Quagmire: (Pointing to Meg) Oh, that's where the fourth hole is, right there. Right there in the back of the knee.
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: (to 18 year old Lois) Could I 'Wham' my 'Oingo Boingo' into your 'Velvet Underground'?
 • Rating: 4.6 / 5.0

Brian: You ever hear of the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present? Well who knows what else we changed.
(Peter turns the TV on)
Announcer: Tonight on the Tonight Show, movie star George Clooney.
Peter: Oh, he's good.
Announcer: Comedian Dave Chappelle.
Brian: He's funny, like him.
Announcer: And musician Harry Connick Jr.
Peter: Wow, what a show.
Announcer: And now, ladies and gentleman, heeeeeeeeeere's Chevy!
Peter: Oh god Brian, we messed up bad! We messed up real bad!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Let's just all be grateful things are completely back to normal again.
(Roger from American Dad walks on screen)
Roger: Who ate all the Pecan Sandies?
 • Rating: Unrated

(Horace tries to fix T.V. but falls down, hits floor hard. He stops moving)
Bar patron: Oh my God! Is he dead? I think he might be dead!
Death: Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead. Step aside junior. (Walks to Horace and pokes him with his scythe) Nope, he's just knocked out. Damn! I drove all the way out here! I had to cancel another appointment! Never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace.
(Cuts to Mike Wallace using a type-writer. Death is sitting in a lounge-chair reading a newspaper behind him. Mike stops typing, and Death looks up from his paper. Mike resumes typing and Death goes back to reading his paper)
 • Rating: Unrated

Molly Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois: I know! Who would have thought Bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Peter is talking with Brian, about returning to the past to correct the present)
Peter: I don't care what it takes, Brian. I gotta get Lois back somehow.
Brian: Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies.
Peter: Ah, that's gonna be tough. With President Gore's Universal Health Care, people are living much longer these days.
Brian: And with Zero Tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world.
Peter: I don't care! We gotta find a way to summon Death, and quick!
(Jane Jetson falls out of the sky to the pavement, dead)
Peter: Well, that might do it.
(Death appears)
Peter: Death, oh thank God you're here! Listen, you gotta send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois!
Death: Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Haliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.
Brian: Oh my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois!
Peter: I don't know who any of those people are.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry Peter, I'm afraid she has her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius. Oh!
Chris, Meg, and Stewie: (all laugh) Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity.
 • Rating: Unrated

Quagmire: Hey Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert too, oh!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Radio: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address.
Peter: Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's president?
Brian: Peter, you're the one from the future, you should know - ah, forget it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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