Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 3 Episode 14: "Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?" Quotes
I got no idea how to be black ... y'know, except for not smiling when I get my picture taken
Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?
Chris: What's a library, dad?
Peter: Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM
Dear Diary, Jackpot!
Quagmire [after finding a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Peter: Hey, Chris, what are you doing?
Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, pops, let me have some cheddar. Some player hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear and I needs to be mackin' style.
Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.
Brian: "The Diary of Nate Griffin." May 7th, 1836. I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her.
Peter: Hehehehehehe!
Brian: Oh, uh, that laugh's in here, too, see? "Hehehehehehehe..."
Peter: That's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe.
Jake: Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad?
Tom Tucker: Because you don't have a bottom, son.
Jake: Aw!