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Family-guy

Stewie: Hey, Brian, knock knock!
Brian: Who's there?
Stewie: (whispering) Two friends, building a house together.

Lois: Peter, Meg's been down there an awfully long time.
Peter: Boy, you cannot wait to criticise her at every turn, can you, Lois?

(about Meg's wedding dress) Look at her fat shoulders in those spaghetti straps. It's like bread baking around twine!

Stewie

Peter: That's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber.
Teenaged boy: Hey, we're just playing some Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join?
Terrorist: OSAMA!

Neil: Hello.
Chris: Hi. Name, please.
Neil: Neil Goldman.
Chris: (checks his list) Goldman, Goldman. Sorry, no Neil Goldman.
Neil: Oh, I beg your pardon. I meant to say Chris Griffin.
Chris: (checks his list) Griffin, Griffin. Oh, here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. (hands his list and pen to Neil) Well, you'll need this.
Neil: Name, please.
Chris: Chris Griffin.
Neil: (checks his list) Griffin, Griffin, hmm. I'm sorry, sir, Chris Griffin has already checked in.
Chris: Well, that's impossible!

Stewie: Alright Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie, I'll call you when I get up there.
Brian: Okay.
(Stewie walks away, is heard over the walkie-talkie)
Stewie: Brian, pick up. Over.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Brian, please say "over" when you are finished talking. Over.
Brian: (sighs) What? Over.
Stewie: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian: No.
Stewie: Nooooo what? Over.
Brian: No. Over.
Stewie: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over.
Brian: Wait, If you haven't started feeding it, why'd ya ask me if I could see it?
Stewie: Didn't copy that. Over.
Brian: I said why did ya ask me if I could see it if you haven't started feeding it. Over.
Stewie: Oh that's better, I can hear you now. Over. Do you see it yet? Over.
Brian: You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what Brian? Over.
Brian: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what? You've got to finish your sentence. Over.
Brian: That's it, my sentence is over.
Stewie: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: My sentence is- wait a minute. I have to say over, even if the sentence ends with the word over?
Stewie: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over.
(the wire descends through the wall)
Brian: Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie: You see the wire what? Over.
Brian: Over! (yanks on the wire, pulling Stewie down with it)

Lois: Wow Peter, I gotta say, you've really been true to your word about treating Meg better.
Peter: She's my only daughter, Lois. She needs to be protected, like a rare gemstone, or the herniated scrotum of an older gentleman.

This is disgusting. It smells, it's falling apart, and you can hear the mice humping in the walls.

Brian

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter. (laughs) I mean, I mean your daughter's in a coma. What? Oh my God, did you hear what I said? (waggles tounge) Brain freeze! Oh my god. Oh, that one is going in the Christmas letter.

Dr. Hartman
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