Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Ted: Wait, you're really going out with a billionaire?
Robin: He's not a billionaire. He's a hundred millionaire. Why do people always round up?
Ted: So, where's Thurston Howell taking you?
Robin: A charity dinner.
Lily: Yeah, $2000 a plate.
Robin: $1500. Stop rounding up. And it's for third world hunger

Carl the Bartender [to Lily and Marshall]: If he pukes, you're cleaning it up.
Ted: I haven't puked since high school. I'm vomit-free since '93

Your brain screws you up Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob... and it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neurosis, inebriation style

Barney

Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying, "Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it is your job to make him awesome"

Barney

Ted: Yea and say what? What's our big opening line?
Barney: I was uh...."Daddy's home".
Ted: Daddy's home?
Barney: Yeah!
Ted: Okay, you..you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, "Daddy's home." Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hmm...yea, I think it's pretty solid

Trudy's friend: I'm just surprised you didn't dump him sooner.
Trudy: I know, it's two years of my life I'm never getting back. A little part of me just wants to jump the bones of the next guy I see.
Barney: Daddy's home.
Trudy: Or the one after that

Lily: You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin? Robin. Go wake her up.
Ted: Wake her up and say what?
Barney: Daddy's home

Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so why don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together?

Ted [on the phone]

Ted: Thanks Carl. We can't just be friends, we're attracted to each other and we both know it.
Carl: Excuse me?
Ted: Me and Robin. Me and Robin, I have to make one more call.

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