Sweet Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?
Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor!

• Permalink: How could you not tell me you were gay? I'm a musical theater ...
• Rating: Unrated

Mac: Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, they don't like you! You know why? Uhhh, because you're an asshole!

• Permalink: Why do these people like you guys so much? Well dude, it's not...
• Rating: Unrated

Dennis: Our mortgage is due in two weeks.
Mac: No, we paid that, like, a week ago.
Dennis: No. A week ago was three weeks late.

• Permalink: Our mortgage is due in two weeks. No, we paid that, like, a we...
• Rating: Unrated

(After Charlie throws away a girl's number)
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing, dude?
Charlie: What?
Mac: What are you doing?
Charlie: Ah.
Mac: That girl is gorgeous. She's like the perfect opportunity to show that we are not racist. She probably has friends for me.
Charlie: Well, come on. If anything, I think we should be focused on black men, first of all.
Mac: What?!

• Permalink: (After Charlie throws away a girl's number) Whoa, whoa, whoa, ...
• Rating: Unrated

Mac: You have a bad shoulder, and that's why you could never have a catch with me, right?
Mac's Dad: Riiiiiight.

• Permalink: Riiiiiight.
• Rating: Unrated

Yeah, I botched it -- life.

Bill

• Permalink: Yeah, I botched it -- life.
• Rating: Unrated

Come on! You guys own a bar! You guys watch people slowly kill themselves everyday right?

Bill

• Permalink: Come on! You guys own a bar! You guys watch people slowly kill themselves everyday right?
• Rating: Unrated

I've had a few surgical operations to enhance my natural beauty.

Maureen

• Permalink: I've had a few surgical operations to enhance my natural beauty.
• Rating: Unrated

Mac: Okay, daddy. I love you dad!
Charlie: Let it go. Let it go.

• Permalink: Let it go. Let it go.
• Rating: Unrated

A man should be able to end his life if he wants -- we're American!

Dennis

• Permalink: A man should be able to end his life if he wants -- we're American!
• Rating: Unrated

Charlie's Mom: I can't lie to my Charlie!
Charlie: Good! Tell me everything!
Charlie's Mom: Okay, they were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.

• Permalink: Okay, they were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was...
• Rating: Unrated

Mac: Tell us more!
Charlie's Mom: Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.
Mac: Tell us less, tell us less.
Charlie's Mom: Then they both completed on each other -- I was left out of the finale.

• Permalink: Then they both completed on each other -- I was left out of the finale.
• Rating: Unrated