It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXPopular It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes
Therapist: 'Charlie Work'? What's 'Charlie Work'? Fill me in.
Charlie: Oh, right. You don't know 'Charlie Work'. Well, 'Charlie Work' is like basement stuff, cleaning urinals, blood stuff, your basic slimes, your sludges, anything dead or decaying, I'm on it, I'm dealing with it.
Therapist: And you dislike it?
Charlie: Oh, no. I love it. I love the dark. I love slippery things. I love being naked... in the sewer. Bleach smells good, it tastes good...
Therapist: Why do you think your'e weird?
Charlie: What's weird? Would it be weird if you survived an abortion? Would it be weird if you shared a bed with a man who may or may not be your father? ... Would it be weird if you ate cat food to go to sleep? And you have such a fascination with cats that you glue cat hair to the back of your neck?
You're saying, like, do the things you do but go further with them. Like get a ton of cat hair and glue it all over your body. Walk around like a cat-man in the middle of the night through the alleyways. Ya know? ... And stop hiding the pigeon.
Charlie
Frank: I opened up to a therapist just once. I was a kid. I got into a fight. The doctor asked me question after question, got me so scrambled up. Next thing I know, I was shanghai'd upstate to a nitwit school. You know what a nitwit school is?
Therapist: I assume you mean a school for the mentally disabled.
Frank (spits pistachio shell): Yeah, not just for nuts in the head, but bodies, too. Back then science was real crude, they stuck us all together. My roommate was a frog-kid. You ever see a frog-kid?
Frank: I got my first kiss there. (stares off into the distance)
Therapist: Frank?
Frank (breaks down into tears): It was terrible. But not her. She was an angel. Always smiling... that's because she had no lips. But her mouth was still very much in play.
Therapist: Let's talk about the dishes.
Frank: She died two weeks later. She thought she was a spaceman with a plastic bag for a helmet.
Therapist: Tell me about these size pills you're giving Mac.
Dennis: Well, now that's more like it. So, they're Mexican ephedra. Calling them 'size pills' was an elegant solution. The guy was gross, it was disgusting. He was fat as shit, he smelled like shit, he sounded like shit, his groans, his snores, his sleep apnea, it was gross. He was repulsive really.
Therapist: So, you've been drugging him secretly?
Dennis: Giving a man medicine for his disease. Wherever did I get that idea?
Therapist: What are you writing?
Dennis: What? No, not writing. Drawing. Drawing conclusions. Drawing this...
(Dennis holds up his drawing of himself holding the naked Therapist's grossly exaggerated and oversized breasts from behind) You like this? It's very generous.
Dennis there was another twin in your mother's womb! We were gonna call him 'Donnie', but you and Deandra devoured him before he could be born! You gobbled him up!
Frank
Frank: You're losing your mind. You're being scammed.
Dee: I'm losing my mind? How many pairs of shoes have you lost this month, Frank?
Frank: (looks down, sees his own bare feet) Three... four!
Dennis: Yeah, I gotta say - this is a strange place for a doctor's office. What's this guy's name?
Mac: Dr. Jinx.
Dennis: Dr. Jinx is the name of a monkey, not a man.
Mac: I picture anything but black.
Dr. Jinx: Didn't you ever watch The Cosby Show when you were comin' up?
Mac: Oh, no. My parents would never allow anything like that.
Charlie: How's is this realistically going to solve our problem? Dennis, what do you think of this?
Dennis: Shh shh! I'm just trying to embrace this, maybe knock some emotion loose.
Charlie: Where's your mom going?
Mac: Oh, she keeps a cigarette burning out on the steps outside, so she's gonna go hack a butt.
