Mondays 9:00 PM on CBS
Mike-and-molly

Molly: Tonight'll be good. Just sitting around, sipping cocktails, having some girl talk.
Victoria: Yeah. But just keep in mind it's not too late to go out tonight and do something fun!

The places that offer free limousine services are desperate for customers. I'm guessing they're all nude and half-dude.

Carl

Molly: Dirty board game?
Peggy: Dirty Scrabble. It's actually just regular Scrabble with extra F's, B's, and J's.

Mike: Wait, you mean she's acted like this before?
Joyce: Prom, senior picture day, and one god awful summer when she decided to master the accordion.

Molly: Slow and steady always wins the race. Don't I always say that?
Mike: She does, never in the right context, but it's a good saying anyway.

We Biggs don't tone and we don't tan - we burn and we stroke out.

Carl: Now if you want to get into your bride's head a little bit, just change "boobs" to "holy matrimony".
Mike: Wow, I had no idea it consumed their every though and dictated their every action.

Thought you had me didn't you, you fun sized little b**ch!

Molly [to candy bar]

Molly: Did Mike call?
Victoria: No, but my pot dealer did. He said you can have your wedding in his basement grow room.
Molly: Oh good. Well, at least the lighting will be good!

Mike: Maybe if you had talked a little less and listened a little more we wouldn't be in this mess!
Molly: Really?
Mike: Listen, I don't want a big fight.
Molly: Well, it's too late for that.

Molly: The senior center said we can get married there. Good news: they have a dance floor. Bad news: lots of people have died on it.

We have weddings for our parishioners, which you are not, and we were willing to make an exception frankly because we're still quite scared of your mother.

Priest
Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 60 in total

Mike & Molly Quotes

Molly: We've got the house all to ourselves. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Mike: Order pizza and make prank phone calls?
Molly: Yeah, baby!

I always go to Lethal Weapon. I'm Danny Glover and you're Mel Gibson with a thyroid problem.

Carl [to Mike]
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