Haley: Don't dork up our room.
Alex: Don't slut up your college.

• Permalink: Don't dork up our room. Don't slut up your college.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Cam: I'm playing a drinking game. It's called everytime I feel depressed about something, I take a drink.
Mitchell: That's already a game. It's called alcoholism.

• Permalink: I'm playing a drinking game. It's called everytime I feel depres...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

[Jay and Manny watching Miracle on 34th Street]
Manny: Are you crying?
Jay: What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie.

• Permalink: Are you crying? What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. Good times she wrote.

Phil

• Permalink: Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. Good times she wrote.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Claire: Oh thank God, here comes Phil and the butterball.
Manny: Hey, I have a name!!

• Permalink: Oh thank God, here comes Phil and the butterball. Hey, I have ...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mitchell: Ahhh we have been together for, guh, five-- five years now? And uh we-- we just decided that we really wanted to have a baby. So we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate but--
Cameron: Then we figured, they're already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant?
Mitchell: Don't think so.
Cameron: No thank you, ick!

• Permalink: Ahhh we have been together for, guh, five-- five years now? And ...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mitchell: The attic? Why?
Luke: At least it's big. Grandpa said you used to live in a closet.

• Permalink: The attic? Why? At least it's big. Grandpa said you used to li...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.
Phil: My bad!

• Permalink: I got pregnant with Haley. My bad!
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

I never liked Spandau Ballet. Our entire marriage, I never once mentioned Spandau Ballet. Am I even pronouncing that right?

Phil

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• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Whatever they were doing, Dad was winning.

Luke [on seeing his parents having sex]

• Permalink: Whatever they were doing, Dad was winning.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Haley: Did my 3rd grade teacher say I have ADD or something.
Claire: No honey she said you couldn't A-D-D because she also knew you couldn't S-P-E-L-L.

• Permalink: Did my 3rd grade teacher say I have ADD or something. No honey...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Why do I almost always kill my husbands? I will never forget you, Jay!

Gloria

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• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0