You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

Phil

Alex, honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!

Claire

The computer and the printer must talk, talk, talk/Command P makes the picture walk, walk, walk.

Phil

Why do I have to watch a French movie, I didn't do anything wrong.

Phil

You have your fans, I have mine. And one day, your fans are gonna work for my fans.

Alex [to Haley]

I'm the ass kicking clown that will twist you like a balloon animal!

Cameron

The poncho by itself is fine. The poncho plus the flute plus the stupid dance? My son will die a virgin

Gloria

The little snowflake makes it cold, cold, cold. Set Temperature makes it hold, hold, hold...

Phil

Manny: I wanna be home-schooled.
Gloria: Really Manny? You want me to learn you English?

Ordinarily I'm a rule follower, but when someone tells me I can't bring my own snacks into their stadium? That's when I get a little... nuts. It's a free country right? Let's just say it Ruffles me when some Goobers tell me I have to spend my half my PayDay on their hot dogs.

Phil

You're all the porn I need.

Phil

We'll be on her like white on rice... which might sound racist because we're white and she, presumably, like rice.

Cam

Modern Family Quotes

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay