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I realized if I was gonna raise a boy, I was gonna have to butch up my life. I wanted to be able to teach all the things to my son that my dad taught... Claire.


Buffalo Phil. Worth the wait.


Phil: Which one's "bossy?"
Cowboy: That's my nickname for your wife.
Phil: Haha awesome.

It was supposed to be special; someone with a high GPA and bright future, not a Mario brother!


Mitchell: What's so great about destroying stuff?
Luke: It stuff into chunks of flying stuff!

Just for the record Mrs. Dunphy, if Haley wasn't my girlfriend and Mr. Dunphy was out of the picture, I would be honored to share your bed and raise Luke, Alex and Hayley as my own.


Phil: It's just that when you say "Phil is my son-in-law", it sounds like you're saying "Phyllis, my son-in-law."
Jay: That's ridiculous.
Phil: Who is your son-in-law?
Jay: Phyllis!

I've been practicing like crazy all of my cowboy skills, shootin', ropin', pancake eatin'. Why? Because sometimes I feel like Jay doesn't respect me as a man.


Do we book our spa appointments through you or?

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