Jay: So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Gloria: Oh yes! That's who it is! The man from the hundred dollar bill. My favorite!

It's obvious mom, you use Halloween as a way to show people you have edge. It's like accountants who buy are Harley.


Sexy people go crazy too you know. Read a people magazine.


C'mon Jay this is my farewell tour Trick-or-Treating in the neighborhood, I have to go out strong.


Claire: Welcome to the insane asylum of from hell!
Phil: That's what it feels like.

People say clothes make the man but that makes no sense. What makes the man is a nice head of hair. Dammit it's like a phantom limb.


Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.

You do this every time. You go as a princess, I have to go as some freak. You're a beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce, I'm...that guy.

Jay [to Gloria]

Cam: It's a bird! It's a plane!
Mitchell: It's super out of breath.
Cam: Happy Halloween to you too.

I'm kind of in a delicate spot stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously.


Being a realtor man means working on sundays. Like priests and Lesley Stahl.


Ok keep in mind, I'm not in makeup yet, but do these sandals make my legs look thick? Because I can lower the hem.


Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.