It went to my ears on our flight home. I may have moaned a bit. A crying baby complained about me.

Cam

I never get sick. I must've caught some kind of chill on the beach when my socks got wet...My ankles burn.

Mitchell

Cam: Okay, come on we have something to show you!
Lily: Is it dinner or is my mouth too ugly to put food into?

Manny: When you first started dating him, what was his nickname for you?
Gloria: Sexy pants.
Manny: Ew. The other one?
Gloria: Bunny.

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Oh what? The mascot's a beaver, those jokes will get old.

Claire

Okay you need to calm down. This college tour, not Oprah's favorite things.

Alex

Listen to me. I think you went to the jewelry store inside here (points to Jay's heart) and brought back a gem.

Manny

I think I could be a little less Ryan Gosling, and a little more everyman.

Cam

Claire: Check this out, a reflecting pond.
Alex: Great maybe you can see how crazy you’re being right now.

You can’t do this. We’re a danger to ourselves. We’re a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes.

Phil

A lot of people assumed that I married you for your money and that’s only a very, very small part of it. I married you because you’re sexy. You still are. Who knows how long that’s going to last for either of us?

Gloria

Cam: Hey counselor, what do I have to do to get you to drop that suit?
Mitchell: Cam what are you doing here?
Cam: Surprising my hugs-band!