Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.

You do this every time. You go as a princess, I have to go as some freak. You're a beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce, I'm...that guy.

Jay [to Gloria]

Cam: It's a bird! It's a plane!
Mitchell: It's super out of breath.
Cam: Happy Halloween to you too.

I'm kind of in a delicate spot stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously.


Being a realtor man means working on sundays. Like priests and Lesley Stahl.


Ok keep in mind, I'm not in makeup yet, but do these sandals make my legs look thick? Because I can lower the hem.


Earl: I banged your ex wife!
Jay: If you banged Dede, I DO owe you an apology!

That's right, my boy's datin' her. He's datin' her real good.


Oh relax, I'm sure you guys will find a couple that wants to get with you.


Not since I fell off the roof while they were delivering our trampoline have things come together so beautifully.


How surprised should we be? I mean he's basically a hyperactive toddler who just wants to play all the time.


I wanna hear your point but right now this magic juice is gonna help mama turn that bathtub into a swim up bar.


Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


He's like Batman, but straight.

Mitchell [on the gardener]