You can't have two fun parents... You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.

Claire

You'd think growing up in a place full of death squads and drunken uncles, she'd have learned to move a little bit faster.

Jay [on Gloria]

I'm just saying you were never much of a kid. And that's a good thing 'cause I never liked kids.

Jay

Look at Luke there, making one big straw out of three. Never change, Luke.

Manny

Manny: It was the second thing that slipped right out from under me today. The first was my childhood.
Jay: I get it.

Haley: Dad, that was a stop sign.
Phil: I'll stop twice on the way back.

Luke: Dad's like crazy fun, but you're nice.
Claire: I'm nice?!?
Luke: Well, not now.

I'm trying to get a hold of more butts... Very funny, I don't have time for this foolishness.

Manny

I think I found a place where I can sell this organ. Can you drive me to the black market?

Luke

It's just a cold silly, you don't have to conceive of a world without me!

Haley [to Dylan]

With all you do for me, including going to the gym four times a week to keep me interested, I got this.

Phil

Luke: Is that your cheerleading baton?
Phil: Not when you're on the business end of it!

Modern Family Season 2 Quotes

I have a tennis racquet upstairs I only use as a bubble-bath frothier.

Manny

Gloria: I said I was sorry! But I've had them since I was two. Huge ones!
Phil: What is she...?
Claire: Earrings, Phil. Earrings.