Favorite NCIS Quotes
McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva: How do you know?
McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.
Admiral Chase: Does Agent David carry a weapon?
Gibbs: She is a weapon.
(Gibbs walks into the squad room)
Gibbs: Come on, grab your gear. Don't wanna miss the school bus.
Tony: Class trip, boss?
Gibbs: Got a dead petty officer in a high school stairwell. Janitor found him this morning.
Tony: Hmm. (Starts singing) Wheels on the bus go...
Gibbs: (Gibbs joins in) ...round and round, round and round, round and round...
Ziva: I remember my first fight. I was eight. Shmuel Rubinstein.
Tony: Sounds like a real stud.
Ziva: One punch and it was over.
Tony: What did poor Shmuel do to deserve the wrath of Ziva?
Ziva: He said he liked me.
One gets over a watch. You never get over a loved one.Ziva
(Ziva, Tony and McGee are discussing Ziva's vacation with her elusive boyfriend)
McGee: So when do we get to meet him? And please tell us his name!
Tony: Oh no! Please, let me guess. Zeus? Er...Thor?
Ziva: His name is Ray.
Tony: Ray! What a nice little name! Ray, like Ray Crocker, Ray Charles, Sugar Ray...
Ziva: Erm...I promise you, Ray is a good man.
(Tony smiles at her jokingly before he realises she is being serious)
Doug: Stop talking to me like that.
Tony: Stop lying to me like that.
(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)
McGee: Erm...real funny, Tony.
Tony: (Laughs) You think I did this?
Ziva: I would not put it past you.
Tony: Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.
McGee: The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.
Ziva: I would cancel your credit card.
McGee: Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.
Tony: Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...
(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.
Tony: What's goin' on here? We being replaced by younger models?
Ziva: I am a younger model.
Tony: If that was intended to hurt me you've succeeded.
Ziva: And we are not being replaced. They are from Waverly University.
Tony: Oh yeah. That's right. Director Vance's internship program. It's not a good idea. Feeds McGee's need to have groupies.
Abby: Also, you are not to touch my computer, my lab equipment, my MP3 player, my CafPow, my desk or Bert my farting hippo, without my express written consent.
Intern: Well, how am I gonna' do anything?
Abby: And there's no cameras or flash photography.
Intern: Well, I don't have a camera.
Abby: And if I accidentally turn my back to you, you are to immediately move back into my eyeline.
Intern: Why don't I just wear bells?
Abby: That's a really good idea. I mean I'm sorry about this.. I mean Darren worked out but, I just had problems with people that have been assigned to my lab. (Abby pulls out a collar with bells) It'll just be better this way.
Intern: I uh, I'm not putting those on.
Abby: Oh no, actually you are.
Intern: No I'm not.
Abby: Except for the fact that you are.
McGee: It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!
Tony: Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.
McGee: What's your point?
Tony: My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?
McGee: Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.
Tony: Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)
(Gibbs walks in on Tony and McGee with the blow-up doll)
Tony: Morning, Boss!
McGee: This isn't what it looks like, Boss.
Gibbs: Well, what is it, Tim?
McGee: Erm...a joke...I think. A really bad, practical joke.
Gibbs: I'm not laughing. (Gibbs turns and heads for his desk) Lose your gal-pal. (To everyone) Grab your gear. Got a dead Marine in Springfield.
(McGee tries effortlessly to hide the blow-up doll as the rest of the team head for the elevator)