Nick: Schmidt...I need you to teach me to be a douchebag
Schmidt: Let's get started.
Winston: What is happening in the world?

You've all thought about me while self-completing!?

Jess

Guess what you guys? My shoes are filled with blood!

Jess

Winston: Hey Schmidt, do you mind if I use the uh...manbulance?
Schmidt: The manbulance is resting. It's getting ready for the corporate retreat.
Winston: That's cool. I'm sure the mambulance couldn't handle all of Shelby's luggage anyway.
Schmidt: What the hell is wrong with you, Winston? It could fit the luggage of 9 Shelbys. It has the towing capacity of 1,000 Shelbys.

Schmidt: What are you wearing!?
CeCe: I don't...I don't know. I found this in the lost found at the gym. I'm not really sure how sexy a "sexretary" is supposed to be.
Schmidt: If you're trying to seduce me, don't dress up like my Aunt Frida at seder.
CeCe: The truth is, I would do anything. Do it anywhere.
Schmidt: Even fantasy locations?

Skylar: Do you know how to make drinks?
Nick: Do I know how to make drinks?
Skylar: Yeah, like alcoholic drinks?
Nick: Yeah, I do that professionally.
Skylar: You could get me drunk professionally?

What's going on? Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?

Jess

Where are you guys? Could I have walked out to the mountains? When does a hill become a mountain? I'm so cold!

Nick

Russell: When I was your age I had a skinny ponytail and I think I was living off of selling my own blood.
Nick: So what happened? You just woke up one day and had all this?
Russell: I realized I wanted to grow up, that's what happened.

I want to kill you...because I respect you. I think I understanding hunting!

Nick

It smells like leather and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness.

Nick

Schmidt: Do you think it's a superhero?
Nick: No, I think it's Jess and some weird guy.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt