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New-girl

Schmidt: It'll be a good opportunity for you to some networking, help with the job search. I'm telling you, everybody's hittin' the 'nog, having a good time, letting loose, you swoop in there, and then, boom! New job, man. That's how things work. You know, Benjamins in your pocket, la pension, the four-to-the-O-to-the-one-to-the-K!
Winston: You're making me want to stay broke.

Winston, you better watch it, man, because I will take you down. I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy. Let's do this!

Schmidt

I'm the only guy in the office, of course I'm going to dress up like Santa. I like it. I get all this dirt on my coworkers. They get drunk, and they whisper what they want for Christmas in my ear, and I use that information to subtly undermine them and control them for the rest of the year.

Schmidt

Jess: I messed up. He ran away, he got scared.
Winston: Why would he get scared?
Jess: Because I choked him. I lightly choked him.

Nick: I'm fantastic at sex!
Winston: You're scared to get a haircut!
Nick: Yea, I don't like getting a haircut, it's too intimate. What does that have to do with sex?

Nick: I was sixteen! I have gotten a lot better!
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time when we were in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded minor. "Are you ok? Yea. Are you ok? Yea".

Jess: Do you think Paul watches stuff like that?
Nick: Yep
Schmidt: All the time
Winston: He's probably watching it right now.

I saw your registry. I'm gonna get you one of those portable baby pumps. You're just out there, in everyday life. But you're pumping yourself at the same time, just milking away.

Schmidt

Are you like a Bond villain? You just told me your whole plan.

Schmidt
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