Let's burn all the books! Except The Da Vinci Code!

Biology Teacher

Schmidt fired me and now I'll never get to use this briefcase I bought and it was $19!

Nick

What do you call a lunatic who's only got one case and no hobbies? Your worst nightmare.

Nick

I don't like kids, I don't like teaching, I just like paychecks.

Coach

When you put it like that, it sounds amazing...AND like prison.

Nick

Jess: Why does your bottom need to breathe?
Nick: It's like a plant. It needs sun and air.

You're Abby Freakin' Day. You can do whatever you want. Except vote.

Jess

Quit sorting through my trash, Coach! You're messing it all up!

Schmidt

What makes Abby's jewelry so interesting is that it is dangerous and can cut you

Schmidt

Jess, can I borrow your glasses? We're going to roleplay as you guys.

Schmidt

I've got an uncle whose God-given name is 'Shifty.'

Nick

She is sleeping. By herself. Which is called napping.

Nick

New Girl Quotes

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

Jess