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Alvin: The man with no shirt killed Santa.
Winston: Oh, you mean Schmidt? He was just dressing up like Santa.
Alvin: Then why isn't he wearing a shirt?
Winston: You know, we ask ourselves that question every single day.
Alvin: Is it because he's a d-bag? Mommy says he's a d-bag.

Schmidt: Kim, I'm not a sex object. All right, I'm your employee. I work harder than anyone. I'm the first one to show up every morning.
Kim: No you're not.
Schmidt: There's never a parking space.
Kim: That's because everybody's already here, Schmidt.

I have a really bad case of Santa Lap. The entire marketing department is wearing wool. It's not good down there.

Schmidt

Cece: Remember when Christmas used to be fun, and all I had to do was worrying about my drunk uncle asking me out again?
Jess: Yes, Uncle Pardip! He thought I was a boy

Schmidt: I brought you a gift. I hope you appreciate that I have kept eye contact with you this whole time and made no reference of the fact that you are basically naked. ... I found this place on 3rd Street where you can design your own perfume: Base notes of cocoa because of your brown...ness, sea salt because it kind of sounds like "Cece," and sandalwood - Sandalwood, always up to no good!

Schmidt [to Cece, in a bikini]: Hey, you look awesome.
Cece: It's a Before-and-After for a Bolivian diet pill.
Schmidt: Elgatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.

Winston: Hey, Schmidt, look - it's a menorah for you!
Schmidt: Ohhhh, a menorah... [in a gangsta tone] Judaism, son.

Schmidt: It'll be a good opportunity for you to some networking, help with the job search. I'm telling you, everybody's hittin' the 'nog, having a good time, letting loose, you swoop in there, and then, boom! New job, man. That's how things work. You know, Benjamins in your pocket, la pension, the four-to-the-O-to-the-one-to-the-K!
Winston: You're making me want to stay broke.

Winston, you better watch it, man, because I will take you down. I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy. Let's do this!

Schmidt

I'm the only guy in the office, of course I'm going to dress up like Santa. I like it. I get all this dirt on my coworkers. They get drunk, and they whisper what they want for Christmas in my ear, and I use that information to subtly undermine them and control them for the rest of the year.

Schmidt

Jess: I messed up. He ran away, he got scared.
Winston: Why would he get scared?
Jess: Because I choked him. I lightly choked him.

Nick: I'm fantastic at sex!
Winston: You're scared to get a haircut!
Nick: Yea, I don't like getting a haircut, it's too intimate. What does that have to do with sex?

Displaying quotes 97 - 108 of 179 in total

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New Girl Season 1 Quotes

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!

Cece: What's your stripper name?
Jess: Uh, Rebecca Johnson.
Cece: Your stripper name is Rebecca Johnson?
Jess: Boobies Johnson. Two Boobs Johnson.

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