I'm worried about Schmidt, he's a Jew in the desert I don't want him to wander.

Winston

When Nick leaves, I'm gonna call a plumber and just throw money at him while he works.

Schmidt

How's the new apartment? Does it smell like new paint and compromise?

Jess [to Nick]

Schmidt: I get that. Your business is selling sex. You're a sex worker.
CeCe: You're an idiot.

What's wrong? You're stress-eating meat.

Jess [to Schmidt]

CeCe: Are you "White Fanging" me?
Schmidt: What?
CeCe: White Fang? The only book you have on your Kindle. The book you wouldn't stop talking about, and I said, "Would you please stop talking about White Fang" and then you said, "Someday, I'm gonna do that to somebody".

Jess, first of all, you're never gonna be old, humans are going to be immortal by 2026. Second of all, give me your phone. You have backslider written all over you.

Schmidt

Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head who sounds like Tom Waits and tells me I look bad in hats.

Nick

Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They're like the people version of pleated pants.

Schmidt

Paul is the all-time worst crier. It's like a slow motion sneeze.

Jess

Paul: Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like!
Jess: Now I know what Monica Lewinsky feels like!
Paul: I'm sorry I made you feel like Monica Lewinsky!

CeCe, the Jewish is here to make sex.

Nadia

New Girl Season 1 Quotes

Schmidt [to Cece, in a bikini]: Hey, you look awesome.
Cece: It's a Before-and-After for a Bolivian diet pill.
Schmidt: Elgatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!