Zerts are what I call deserts, tray trays are what I call entrees, sandwiches are sammies, sandoozles or Adam Sandlers, air conditioners are cool blaterz with a "z" ... I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies, I call noodles long ass rice, fried chicken is fry fry chicky chick, chicken parmesan is chicky chicky parm parm, chicken caciatore is chicky catch, I call eggs pre-birds or future birds, root beer is super water, tortillas are bean blankets, and I call forks... food rakes!

Tom

If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn't want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?

Ron

I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.

Andy

I am 100 percent sure I am 0 percent sure of what to do.

Chris

Tom: Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: is it a banger?

I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.

Ron

I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to, 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Tom

I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.

April

Andy: April, you're like an angel with no wings.
April: So like a person?

April! Hey, it's me. Andy... Dwyer. Uh, this is like the 200th time I've left you a message without a response, so if you're trying to tell me something, I do not know what it is because you won't call me back.

Andy

I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.

Ron

And what exactly does Gryzzl do? It’s a cloud for your cloud. I have no idea.

Ben

Parks & Rec Quotes

Just remember every time you look up at the moon, I too will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, that’s impossible.

Andy

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April