"One time I fell madly in love with a civil war re-enactor that I had only known for six hours. And then I found out he wore the clothes all the time... and he was married. But the clothes thing really bothered me."


Chris is the most positive state budget auditing consultant I've ever met. I mean, I made eye contact with him and it was like staring into the sun.


"It's like if you could have a Xbox pancake."


I like the rain and the fish markets.


How did I not know that Diddy was on Instagram, you jagweeds?

Mona Lisa

Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond!


Chris: What did you do for her?
Ron: Fixed her pothole.
Chris: Is that a euphemism?

I hit my head, or brain helmet.


Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.


I don't know what it is about big, outdoor gatherings that makes everyone wanna urinate all over everything. But it does. And they do.


I guess I'll have to wait for tomorrow's paper to find out our relationship status.


Leslie: What’s the 411? Who you crushin’ on these days?
April: Ew, my husband, weirdo.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!


Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.