I could retire! But I wouldn't - I'm going to work until I'm a 100. Then I'll cut back to four days a week.


I will defeat you. I will defeat you right into my pants.


Chicago has a lot of stuff and people, but I like to nothing and hang out with no one, so no thank you. And I love you. But no thank you.


Damn, Donna. Why you gotta bring the Quackson Five into this?


Well, which one is it? Fruity or earthy? It can’t be both! They’re mutually exclusive!


Michelle Obama: Well, you know how I feel about Chicago.
Leslie: You’re from Chicago so you like it!

And what exactly does Gryzzl do? It’s a cloud for your cloud. I have no idea.


A soft opening tomorrow? From now on everyone call me Kristin because I’m wigging out!!


Excuse me, Miss Hanley? Would you mind if I snapped a you-y? It’s what I call selfies of other people.


I hate doing work, but I love being flattered. So maybe I’ll give it another try.


Despite what my pocket square says, I’m not a billionaire.


Tom: What is this, a rotten grapefruit?
Larry: No, it’s my dog’s rectum.

Parks & Rec Quotes

April is the best, but she's 20. When April was born I was already in third grade, which means if we were friends back then I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. Oh my god I could have killed her.


Last week I was in clue in the Pawnee paper crossword puzzle. The clue? "Who's the worst?"