Scrubs Season 3 Episode 5: "My Brother, Where Art Thou?" Quotes
J.D.: But, uh, say hi to Wayne, and good luck in the bumper pool tournament.
Dan: Yeah, actually, J.D., I don't think I'm leaving.
J.D.: Why!?
Dan: Well, 'cause I'm worried about you. I mean, hanging with you today and watching you work, with the gomer talk and all the attitude now, I'm not so sure I like the guy you're turning into. It's definitely not my little brother.
J.D.: You know what, Dan, once Dad left and Mom started marrying everyone that rang the doorbell, I remember someone saying how lucky I was to have an older brother. But you never came through for me once, did you. I mean, I called you for help because I'm in love with a girl who's in love with someone else, and you responded by showing up here, drinking all my Bailey's Irish Cream, and whining about Mom's new boyfriend. You are a self-involved user, Dan. And you wanna tell me what kind of person to be? I tell you what, instead, why don't you just get the hell out of my life?
Dan: But we're brothers. That counts for something, right?
J.D.: Not to me.
J.D.: Well, Dan, what can I say. It's been, uh, three days...
Dan: Two days.
J.D.: Feels like three.
Carla: Okay, we have another dog coming in. Do you want him or the four cats next door?
Elliot: Oh, I'll go with the dog. I don't know what it is, but all cats hate me. I mean, if I even make eye contact with them, they freak out.
J.D.: Can't we just, you know, put a pillow over his head and put him out of his misery?
Dr. Cox: Not gonna be necessary, seeing as how his temperature is below a hundred. Take him away.
Dan: So, Dr. Cox, how long has my little brother had the desire to smother old people? I feel I should warn Grandma.
Well, I'm sorry, dude, I don't-I don't have time for pickles right now. I got three vegetables and a drug addict who's gonna tell me this time things'll be different, then try to take my watch again... Dammit!
J.D.
Dan: What's a gomer?
J.D.: A gomer's an old person that takes up room in the hospital and doesn't have the common decency to die.
Dan: See, now that's just rude is what that is.
Dr. Cox: Oh-ho! Lookie here! Uh, tell me sir, what is it that brings Dr. Dorian's favorite gomer back to the hospital?
Mr. Bober: Pickles.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough.
Elliot: Thanks a lot, Turk! I didn't get that mammogram-mobile job because they said you took it after all!
Carla: What?
Turk: Yes, I took it! But, it pays better, and we both know that this job is about helping women detect breast cancer, and nothing more!
Dan: Listen, uh, my buddy Wayne lives a couple miles upstate, and so, uh, he's got himself a new bumper pool table - I'm gonna be taking off tonight.
J.D.: Oh, thank God. Dr. Cox! You remember my brother Dan?
Dan: Whatta ya say, Coxy!
Dr. Cox: Nothing!
Dan: That's a first.
J.D.: This is my boss, Dan.
Dr. Cox: You know what a boss is: For you, that would be the seventeen-year-old that tells you to clean out the grease-trap after you've filled all the ketchups.
J.D.'s Narration: Dan wanted to come with me to work today, but I told him it would make me a little uncomfortable. He was okay with it.
Dan: Now, I heard there's a bed in the on-call room. You ever get, uh, hot & heavy in there?
J.D.: Nah, usually I'm in there by myself.
Dan: So, yes.
Elliot: So, where do you guys moonlight?
Female Doc: Insurance physicals.
Male Doc: Free clinic.
Turk: Mammogram-mobile. Well, not officially - I just got the offer today - but I'd make more money than I do now, riding around in an ambulance, and even though I'll be handling breasts all day, my beautiful fiancee, who is very secure with the-will let me-
Carla stares at him
Turk: ...ride around in an ambulance.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, everyone, listen up: It came to my attention that Dr. Brogan here has been moonlighting over at County Medical. Now, if he were to kill someone over there, great; but if he were to make a mistake here because of how tired he was from working at his other job, then my hospital would be liable. So, Ted, why don't you tell everyone what my policy on moonlighting is.
Ted: No... moonlighting.
Dr. Kelso: Now, Dr. Brogan will be suspended without pay for one week, but on the plus side, he gets to run around in my backyard wearing a foam suit so I can see if my dog Baxter's attack classes were worth the money!
