Scrubs Season 3 Episode 5: "My Brother, Where Art Thou?" Quotes
Dan: Dude, these are living, breathing people we're talking about here.
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what do you do?
Dan: I tend bar.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'll tell you what, there, Dan: I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever do need to find out how to make a top-notch rum and coke, well, by gum, mister, you had better be by the phone, cause I just might give you a jingle. Ba-ha-rrrri-hing! Hi, Dan? Coxaronie. Regarding the rum and coke issue - couldn't be more confused!
J.D.: Uh, Dr. Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today...
Dr. Cox: Good God in heaven, Newbie, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never; not in a million years; absolutely not; no way, Jose; no chance, Lance; niet; negatory; mm-mm; nuh-uh; oh-oh; and of course my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff - "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!..."
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox...
Dr. Cox: ..."Pff."
J.D.: I just want to say, thank you.
Dr. Cox: Hold the phone. You don't want him to come with us?
J.D.: "Nooooooooo..." Heh. "Poof." Heh.
Dr. Cox: Dan? Come!
J.D.: Well, on the plus side, his temperature's 99.9, so... Sayonara, Mr. Bober!
Dr. Cox: Oh, I could just give you a hug! Of course, I never would! I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would...
Dr. Kelso: (on the phone) Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions - once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress, because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years... I love you, too.
Ted: That was...beautiful, sir!
Dr. Kelso: Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.
Dan: I know. But you know what? This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time I came down to see you guys when you were in med school... Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! Remember, the one with the huge cans? What was her name?
J.D.: Amy.
Dan: Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that?
J.D.: She was my girlfriend.
Dan: Right. You got her number?
J.D.'s Narration: As a doctor, it's important to know how to make small talk.
J.D.: Mr. Bober, what would you like with your turkey sandwich?
Mr. Bober: Pickles!
J.D.'s Narration: ...Of course, it's harder if your patient suffers from dementia and can only say one word....
J.D.: And to drink?
Mr. Bober: Pickles!
J.D.: And now, for a thousand dollars and this bag of I.V. fluid, which is guaranteed to make you feel like you're a hundred and ninety again, What did Peter Piper pick a peck of?
Mr. Bober: Pickles.
J.D.: Oooooooh! I'm sorry, Mr. Bober! The correct answer is peppers. "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."
Dr. Cox: NEWBIE!
J.D.: Huh?
Dr. Cox: Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient!?
J.D.: Yes...
Dr. Cox: I've never felt closer to you.
Turk: 'Sup, Dan.
Dan: Christopher! Looks like we have the makings of a dog-pile here.
J.D.: Turk, don't.
Turk: Sorry, dude. I gotta!
J.D.'s Narration: Eh, no biggie. 'Cause here comes my dream girl with a smile just for me.
Elliot: J.D... You know what I love?
J.D.: What?
Elliot: My boyfriend Sean.
But see, this is just exactly what's wrong with the whole system - the nursing home doctors unload this gomer on us because they're unable to treat him. So, we get his temperature below a hundred, and then turf him right back to the good people at Next Stop, Heaven, where, in between mounting wheelchair productions of "Anything Goes" and robbing the poor old bastards blind, they bounce him right back to us!
Dr. Cox
J.D.: Look, Dan, I want to apologise for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.
Dan: No you don't.
J.D.: I know, I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.
Dan: And you know what, J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think this marriage might actually stick. Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried to solve everything with sex.
J.D.: They did?
Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact, the only reason you were born is 'cause Mom bounced a check at the market.
J.D.: Oh, that's great! I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car?
Dan: No, they wanted me.
Ted: Sir, about Nurse Espinosa and Dr. Reid's suspensions, really there aren't any grounds to punish them for moonlighting, because they weren't working with people - just animals.
Dr. Kelso: "Just animals"? Oh, please, this dog is smarter than most people. He's definitely smarter than you.
Ted: Sir, I don't think-
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, sit!
Baxter sits
Dr. Kelso: Ted, sit!
Ted sits
Carla: Ted, you don't have to!
Ted: Shut up! I can win this!
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, speak!
Baxter barks
Dr. Kelso: Ted, speak!
Ted: Hellooooooooo!
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, left foot!
Baxter raises his left paw
Dr. Kelso: Ted, left hand!
Ted raises his right hand
Elliot: Left hand, Ted.
Lawyer: Hellooooooooooo!
