Scrubs Season 3 Episode 5: "My Brother, Where Art Thou?" Quotes
Turk: Hey! My nephew just asked what you're wearing today. How cute is that?
Carla: Not as cute as you think.
Dr. Cox: Well, Mr. Pickles, welcome back.
J.D.: Here we go with this guy again.
Dr. Cox: Yep. Still, it sure is nice to be doing something you love. I wouldn't trade it. How 'bout you?
J.D.: No...
Dr. Cox: Don't forget that.
Mr. Bober: Pickles.
Dr. Cox: Damn right, sir. Damn right.
Turk: So, Mrs. D.'s getting remarried, huh?
Dan: Ugh, yeah! To a loser! Total loser. This guy's making me move out of Mom's attic.
J.D.: Oh, the audacity.
J.D.: Dude, we have to get my brother out of here - he's driving me crazy.
Dan: I did not - repeat, did not - just drop a toothbrush in the toilet.
Turk: Was it blue?
Dan: Yellow.
Turk: Oh, don't sweat it.
Elliot(on phone): Hi, Sweetie. Are you naked?... Okay, ummm, now imagine me taking off my shirt and kissing down your neck and- Can you hear me? Sean?... Good. Okay, now I'm at your chest and my tongue starts- Are you there?... Good, because now I am licking your nipples all over... Your nipples... Nipples, Sean! I'm licking your nipples!
There's a gasp from behind the bushes, revealing a young Scout troop
Kid: Look, Oliver!
Elliot: I don't care how close you are! I'll call you later!
Elliot: This long-distance thing is killing me.
Carla: Well, are you having phone-sex?
Elliot: Uhhh, gross!... Have you and Turk ever done it?
Carla: Last year, when he went home for the holidays, I gave him a call. You'd be surprised at how much Turk's eleven-year-old nephew sounds like him... and how worldly he is.
Turk: Ah! Come to papa!
J.D.: Turk! Can you please not put your skivvies in the freezer!? I'm sick of my popsicles tasting like fabric softener!
Turk: I like my bad boys to stay nice and cold.
Dan: Make sure you're nice and dry down there, otherwise you get a tongue-on-the-flagpole situation - you don't want that.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox: No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace - sweet kid, smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted; and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turned him into some cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin' - I'm telling you - take that responsibility seriously; stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me.
J.D.'s Narration: Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
Dan: It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Good to see you, Dan. All the best.
Dan: Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.
Dan: Yeah, you don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a "screw-up", always "have been". For instance, when we were kids, Mom would always make me walk Johnny to school first day every year. Every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school! Just 'cause!
Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you were just a horrible big brother-
Dan: Well...
Dr. Cox: -but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, even though we're understaffed and underpaid, I've been working here for ten years! I mean, all day long? All I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla... Carla... Carla."
Elliot: Sir, what-wh-what Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or, uh, rambling sort of way...
Dr. Kelso: Why are you here?
Elliot: My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months, and if I don't moonlight, then I'm never gonna have enough money to see him.
Carla: My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought it would, and I need the extra cash.
Ted: Baxter won't get out of my chair.
Janitor: Aaaaaagggghhhhh-hagghh! Gah! Those are definitely broken! Why did you do that!?
Dan: Gee, I dunno.
Janitor: Who are you?
Dan: Waiting for my brother.
J.D.: Hey, Dan.
Janitor: Well, isn't that perfect. You send your brother in to do the dirty work, huh? And with an open fly, no less!
Both brothers look down.
Janitor: Made you look. A two-fer! Emergency Room?
J.D.: That way.
