Scrubs Quotes
Look, Katie, now that you're here it doesn't matter what crap you had in your past all that matters is that you leave it there because this hospital is your home now and these people are your family and i can tell you they will love you unconditionally if you let them but if you don't they... check that.. we will eat you alive
Carla
J.D.: It's like, all of a sudden, this hospital is a police state.
Elliot: The next thing you know, they'll be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop.
J.D.: They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
Elliot: Really? Then why does Johann always let me-
J.D.: Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.
Elliot: Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen
Elliot [to gift store clerk]: Oooh, look at that big lollipop. I wouldn't know whether to lick it or just to lift up my skirt and spank myself with it.
J.D.: Elliot!
Elliot: It's free candy
Carla: J.D.? The Janitor got fired.
Janitor: Oh, it's okay. He knows, he just doesn't care. See, in his mind I'm the bad guy in our relationship, even though if he stopped to think about it for a minute, he'd realize I never did a thing to him he didn't deserve
J.D.: You locked me in a water tower.
Janitor: You were out on the wall.
J.D.: You destroyed my scooter, Sacha.
Janitor: You know I don't like Wednesdays.
J.D.: You haunted my pediatric patients.
Janitor: You didn't wear the shorts that my imaginary wife made for you
Dr. Maddox: Looking for something?
Dr. Cox: Yes, my cloak of invisibility so I can avoid conversations with soulless dictators such as yourself. Unfortunately, it's really hard to find because, as the name suggests, it's invisible
# Dr. Cox: I am getting rid of Maddox. Who's in?
Janitor: I'm in. Ever since she fired me I've been moping around my apartment making barking sounds. I'm not crazy, I just need some human interaction and the barking makes the neighbors yell 'shut that damn thing up'. Then I can go over there with a bottle of scotch and apologize for Rusty, my imaginary echida. The only downside is that by the time Lady, my girlfriend, gets home, I'm too drunk to talk to her, much less make love. You've never pictured me as an organism that has sex, have you?
Dr. Cox: We have not, no.
Anyway, I played the bad guy for you and I tossed them out. I love playing the bad guy. I'd even wear black scrubs if they made them
Dr. Maddox
Dr. Cox: How are we going to get rid of Maddox? Janitor, would you like to get your useless ideas out of the way first?
Janitor: Well thank you Perry. Off the top of my head I'd go reindeer stampede, astronaut attack, barbed wire chandelier, photoshop, poisonous sushi
Jordan: Admittedly, getting rid of Maddox is a board issue. But, as you all know, I recently retired to become a full-time mom.
J.D.'s narration: Crap! We forgot Jordan's retirement party last week. I hope we weren't the only ones.
Dr. Cox: I really should have gone to your party.
Jordan: You think?
Dr. Kelso: You know, you hurt my feelings earlier.
Dr. Cox: In my defense, you are a soulless creature from the netherworld who doesn't really have feelings
[Dr. Cox telling Kelso how much he misses him...]
Dr. Cox: When you were the Chief, you were a jackass and a nightmare and I hated you a great deal.
Dr. Kelso: That's a good start
