Janitor: Okay, two coins equals 30 cents, no nickles. I swear, we've done this before...Come on man! You went to Yale, for god sake!
Troy: Relax...I figured it out.
Janitor: A penny and... a button that you wrote '29 cents' on. You think I don't recognize your hand writing?
Troy: Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: How's therapy going?

(To J.D.) Hey, come over here. We want to do stuff to you.

Janitor

Janitor: Hey, we solved your stupid game.
Troy: Yeah, we have been to the libary.
Janitor: ...'brary' Troy, library.

Troy: Oh, your face is red like a 'strawbrary'.
Janitor: Don't have kids.

This is why the headache didn't go away, it is actually pronounced 'analgesic', not 'ANALgesic'. The pills go into your mouth.

Turk

Hot Female Doctor: You know doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo.
Todd: ...In your endo.

Dr. Cox: How about we just agree that we're never gonna be that close?
Elliot: We could, except for one thing. I know we have our issues, but I've always respected you, and you haven't given me more than an ounce of that since I started here.
Dr. Cox: ...I didn't go into that bathroom to take a leak. I went in there because I was petrified that I was gonna make the wrong decision about Mrs. Goldstein. And I didn't want anybody to know, because it is so very important to me that people see me the way they used to. Bulletproof. And hopefully admitting this to you will make you feel respected.

J.D.: (Looking at his destroyed bicycle) What the hell?!
Janitor: (Holding a softball bat) Its a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike with a softball bat and a crowbar. One of them wasnt me.
J.D.: Oh! Thats what happened to my old bike!

Barbie, are you a real doctor, or a doctor like Dr Pepper is a doctor?

Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Nice helmet!
J.D.: Actually it is not a helmet, it is a 'hairmet'. You see, it's got extra room built in so you don't mess up your hair due.
Dr. Cox: I'm going to write you a prescription for two testicles. You get it filled whenever.

I started an "I hate Cox" chat room. It didn't work out the way I planned. It's just me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians.

Elliot

Listen Reid, normally any damage to Dr. Cox's oversize ego would be cause for celebration. And yet, for some reason I'm not wearing a party hat sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine. You know why? It's not because I have "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He was an old navy buddy and if you went through what we did you'd understand... It's because your little theory is way off.

Dr. Kelso

Scrubs Season 5 Quotes

Ah, checking Mr. Countertop's heart rate. (Slams a pack of paper on the countertop, hurting Keith's ears) Memories. Do you know that once, Dr. Cox made me give every air conditioning unit in this hospital a pap smear? The wacky thing is room 403 did have some yeast issues.

</i> J.D.

(to his interns) Kick some ass today, guys! Except for Mr. Woodsen in 302.. he's got a rectal tear!

J.D.