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I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things and all 50 were when I was drunk.


How do you do that? The nice thing?

Grammy [to Sheila]

My testicles have never been my ally.


Lip: Go learn your state capitals.
Fiona: Go f*ck yourself.

He was on the bottom bucking like a horse who knows it's going to the glue factory.


Front door was locked so I came in the back. No pun intended.


Figure out that chick sitting on MY sofa wearing YOUR wedding ring and then we'll talk.

Fiona [to Steve]

I don't get it. Half of the world has penises, why do people get so upset about seeing them?

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