South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralSouth Park Season 1 Episode 9: "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" Quotes
Kyle: You'll be sorry when you see me riding on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hanky!
Cartman: You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh, 'cause you're a Jew, KYLE!
Stan: We want to commit our friend, Kyle, please.
Nurse: Reason?
Kyle: I'm a clinically depressed fecalpheliac on Prozac.
Nurse: Any allergies?
Kyle: No.
Nurse: Jacket!
Kyle: Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady: What?
Kyle: Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
Officer Barbrady: Yes.
The Lonely Jew on Christmas Lyrics by Kyle
It's hard to be a Jew, on Christmas.
My friends won't let me join in any games.
And I can't sing Christmas Carols or decorate a Christmas Tree.
Or leave water out for Rudolf 'cause there's something wrong with me.
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ divinity.
I'm a Jew. a lonely Jew, on Christmas.
Hanukkah is nice but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latkes
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing
Hoo Hact Toh Gaveesh
And what the f**k is up with lighting all these
F**king candles tell me please?!
I'm a Jew. A lonely Jew.
I'd be merry, but I'm Hebrew,
On Christmas.
Right now, you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, mmmkay. I mean, you're one screwed up little kid, do you understand?
Mr. Mackey
Stan: You guys, I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas.
Cartman: How do you know?
Stan: 'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
Cartman: Yeah, well I sneaked around my mum's closet too and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
Stan: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know but it sounds pretty sweet.
Chef: Say, where's Kyle?
Stan: We committed him?
Chef: Why?
Cartman: Cause he kept seeing this brown piece of Christmas Poo everywhere that he went.
Chef: Christmas Poo? You mean Mr. Hankey, right?
Stan: Uh oh.
Mr. Garrison: It's not my fault you're raising him Pagan.
Sheila: Jewish!
Mr. Garrison: Whatever.
Sheila: You're upsetting the Jewish community!
Mr. Garrison: You are the Jewish community!
Mayor McDaniels: Are there any questions?
(Mr. Garrison raises hand)
Mayor McDaniels: Yes, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
Mayor McDaniels: No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.
Mr. Garrison: Rats...
Alright, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home. Talking poo is where I draw the line.
Cartman
Sheila: How dare you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!
Mr. Garrison: ...So?
Sheila: So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?
Mr. Garrison: Because it's Christmas?
