The Big Bang Theory

Thursdays 8:00 PM on CBS
The big bang theory
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Emily: How serious were you two?
Raj: Well, to be honest, we only went on four dates, hugged twice, kissed once, and there was a handshake loaded with sexual innuendo.
Emily: Wait, so... a girl you never slept with sent you an e-mail and you felt so guilty about it that you had to tell me?
Raj: Yeah.
Emily: That's kind of adorable.

That was Wil -- he's feeling a lot better. Apparently, he's 12-down in the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

Leonard

Sheldon: Quick poll: PS4 or Xbox One? Raj.
Raj: Uh, Xbox One.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Huh?
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: PS4.
Sheldon: Wolowitz.
Howard: Both great.
Sheldon: Bernadette.
Bernadette: I like the Wii.
Sheldon: Thanks, Grandma

Penny: Okay, look, here, page 58. I oil-wrestle an orangutan
in a bikini.
Leonard: Just to clarify, which one of you is wearing the bikini?
Penny: Both of us.
Leonard: So it's a family film.

Penny: Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here come the waterworks.
Sheldon [running to bathroom]: Here come the waterworks!
Leonard: Aren't you gonna ask?
Penny: What is this, my first day?

Sheldon: Boy, do I have to urinate.
Leonard: If only there were a solution
to that.
Sheldon: Seriously. I feel like I've got
a fish tank in my pelvis.

Sheldon: ... now you're going to need a stronger friend named latex.
Mrs. Cooper: Are you having the sex talk with me?
Sheldon: Well someone has to.
Mrs. Cooper: Oh, dear Lord!
Sheldon: Yeah, well... No, don't look at him, he's mad at you right now.

Sheldon: Then why are you doing it?
Mrs. Cooper: Because I'm not perfect, Shelly. And that man's booty is.

I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.

Sheldon

Apparently any man is welcome in his house, why not you?

Sheldon

Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?
Mrs. Cooper: That's not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table.

Mrs. Cooper: Shelly! I'm so glad you're here!
Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.

Displaying quotes 169 - 180 of 1623 in total

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.

Penny: I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.
Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which can lead to congestive heart failure.